A reader asked the question “Can a husband’s abuse lead to a wife’s infidelity?” I suspect that the inspiration for that was a recent news story about such an incident in Virginia.
When you’re abused and traumatized, it leaves you not thinking straight. When there are multiple incidents, they become cumulative. The effects multiply the more often and longer the abuse continues.
Being in a traumatized state changes how you look at your world and your morals. You view relationships from a warped perspective.
You view them in terms of whether or not they make you feel better rather than whether or not they’re healthy.
Being abused doesn’t change the morality of the choice to cheat. What it changes is how you look at infidelity.
When you’re traumatized severely enough, you no longer care about the consequences. This doesn’t make them right, it only means that you don’t care about the consequences.
The cheater starts viewing infidelity as a better solution to their situation than the abuse they are in. The brain of someone’s who is being abused thinks differently than other brains.
The intensity of what you’ve been through changes what you consider acceptable and unacceptable. Abuse and violence are never acceptable. When you’re in a situation where that’s happening, you feel increasingly out of control.
It’s no wonder you feel out of control, with all the stress-related reactions such as cortisol and adrenaline pumping through your body. Those chemicals change how your nervous system and other bodily systems react to situations. It changes your internal wiring.
You’re not just out of control of your thinking, you’re out of control of your body as well.
A traumatized brain processes information, dangers and threats differently. The difference in how such a brain functions is another effect of trauma.
Trauma doesn’t excuse infidelity or suddenly make it acceptable. Although your brain isn’t working like it should, you still have some control over your choices and how you deal with situations.
Having an affair when you’ve been traumatized isn’t doing yourself any favors. If anything, it’s making things more confusing and leaving you more torn than before.
Securing a place where you are safe from the abuse is a priority. Your mind won’t work well as long as you don’t feel safe.
When you’re ready to start dealing with abuse and trauma, the video on “Overcoming Affair Trauma” guides you through techniques for calming yourself down and regaining who you once were.
You don’t have to continue being a victim any longer.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
