A major roadblock in recovering from an affair is inability of couples to put themselves in the mental space of their spouse. The affair is such a shock, it disrupts your ability to see things from your spouse’s position.
At those moments you try seeing things from their head space, everything inside you fights against it. You see things from your perspective and everything tells you that it’s the only ‘reasonable’ way of looking at things.
Even trying to look at the affair from your spouse’s viewpoint is met with resistance. You see their way as ‘wrong’ or unreasonable. This inability to consider where they’re coming from goes from being a roadblock to major landslide preventing further progress in your relationship.
Part of this problem goes back to avoiding self-examination. It’s painful looking at yourself or your marriage from another perspective. At those moments you lose control of the narrative.
It’s no longer about how you see things. At that moment, you have to consider another possible explanation of things. That requires emotional and mental flexibility. It also requires trust.
When you don’t trust anything they tell you, it’s hard considering their viewpoint. Although it’s challenging, it’s an important part of the healing journey for both of you. You must have the ability to see things from their perspective, even when it goes against what you think is reasonable.
This may seem daunting at first but will become easier with practice and time.
Think about your spouse’s behavior through the lens of a child.
At first, seeing their position is a mental task. It will take more time to grasp the emotional piece. At those moments you realize the separateness of the two of you while at the same time connecting with them in a new way.
It’s not impossible, but it requires trust. Taking that leap of trust is frightening. You’re risking yourself by opening up to the possibility that they’ve been telling you the truth this whole time.
This also goes for you. You will have to take on a vulnerable position and accept that your spouse has been capable of seeing things from your point of view all along. As hard as it is, seeing things through each other’s eyes. At that moment, you leave the familiar for the unfamiliar. Since trust is such a vital part of this portion of recovery, you need a clear idea of what you’re basing your trust on.
Having misperceptions about trust will misdirect you at a time you need clarity. In the video “How can I Trust You Again?” I guide you in gaining a healthy understanding of trust.
With a solid idea of what trust is, you’ll know what you are putting trust in rather than just taking a blind leap. Instead of ‘just trust me’, you can know what to look for that let’s you know what you can trust and what you can’t.
Bridging that distance between the two of you is possible when you have a healthy trust between the two of you. Rather than blindly jumping off, download the video and start on solid footing.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
