Are you a sadistic spouse when it comes to affairs? in making references to sadistic spouses, I am not talking about your enjoyment of leather toys and bondage in the bedroom. What I am talking about is whether you are one of those betrayed spouses who enjoy inflicting pain on the cheater.
It takes time to heal from the hurt of an affair. Even after your the cheater confesses and asks for forgiveness, it often takes even more time. Hurt feelings, like hurt muscles take time to heal. Your heart has been abused and bruised. It will be sensitive for some time, until it heals. That is natural. There is nothing wrong with taking time to heal.
When things become counter-productive is that point where you become a sadistic spouse in reaction to the affair. A sadistic spouse is one that continues wanting to inflict pain on the cheater. Whether intentional or not, you want to make them hurt like you were hurt. You want them to experience the full range of discomfort that you went through.
When your main desire is hurt or revenge, you have crossed the line to being sadistic. You may also be in a dangerous area. When you take it upon yourself to ‘punish’ the cheater, you are becoming a parent instead of a spouse.
It is easy to cross the line into being a sadistic spouse. The pain inside of you is so intense, that you want it released and in your mind, the cheater needs to be punished for what they did. There is a logic to this line of thinking. Where things get out of control is when you can not answer “How much punishment is enough?” or if you have not idea as to “How long the cheater’s punishment (and second-class status) is to continue. When you do not have a clear answer, the desire to release your emotions through punishment inflicted on the cheater takes over.
When the desire to punish takes over, it seems that the more you punish, the more they need it, and the more you enjoy it. When this cycle begins, it changes the dynamics of your marriage. Instead of being two people equally yoked together, it becomes a master and a slave. One person becomes dominant (and responsible) and the other becomes submissive (and more irresponsible).
Punishment also has embedded in it a ‘quick release’ of emotion. It allows the cheater a fast release of their guilt and shame without having to work through what they did. When you punish them, you emotionally let them off the hook. That sudden release can be cathartic. When the release is cathartic enough, the cheater may cheat again or make more disclosures so that you will have to punish them some more.
Although the desire to punish a cheater after the affair is natural, if you want them to ‘grow up’ you will have to consider treating them as a irresponsible spouse and not as an misbehaving child needing punishment. When the lines blur between the two, it changes your relationship. Once those changes start, it is not easy to undo or repair.
When you act like a sadistic spouse, it slows down the healing process. Although it gives a quick emotional release, it short-circuits the cheater owning up to their responsibilities. Consider whether you want them to be responsible or to be punished for what they did.
If you decide punishment, bear in mind that when you take on the role of punisher, it changes you and changing your marriage. The longer you stay in the role of punisher, the longer it will take to heal from the affair.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
