In the days before computers, automotive mechanics also looked for patterns in the problems they encountered. They knew what each sound and rattle meant.
Growing up, I knew a mechanic named Jack Chapman who could diagnose more with a small screwdriver than many modern mechanics can do with their computers. At that time, it was called ‘experience’.
They knew from dealing with particular patterns what the problems were along with what solution was needed. They knew which cars and years would have certain patterns.
In a similar way, my training as a therapist involved looking for patterns in human behaviors. It may be patterns in thinking, how they interacted with others or in their actions.
Being familiar with the patterns alerts me to the potential trouble spots. Once those trouble spots are located, interventions are planned and solutions formulated.
One pattern I see with marriages that struggle with affairs is that of breaking up and getting back together. I know that all couples go through ups and downs, yet when these include big break-ups followed by getting back together repeatedly, something’s wrong.
When the extreme pattern happens, it lets me know that there are some dysfunctional habits in that marriage. The two of you may love each other, yet having such extreme reactions isn’t healthy.
With each cycle through this dysfunctional pattern, things get increasingly extreme. Those extremes signal that help is needed. The problem is that when you’re caught up in this pattern, you may not see the issue clearly. You’re too busy reacting, hurting and moving on instead of addressing the root problems.
When things get that extreme, it puts your marriage at risk for affairs. Extreme situations lead to extreme solutions. Affairs fall into the category of extreme solutions.
The affair may be a call for attention, the need for comforting or bad judgment. Each of you may have been hurting so bad, that the affair was better than staying in the pain.
What is clear is that things are out of control. The solutions being used are damaging your marriage.
In such situations, getting past the affair is only the start of recovery. The two of you still need help in developing a healthy intimacy and connection with each other.
This is why in the Affair Recovery Workshop includes sections on developing healthier intimacy and better connection with each other. There’s also a section on roles within your marriage and changing the patterns of your relationship.
The affair can be overcome and forgiven, but the two of you still need ways of connecting with each other. If your marriage has these unhealthy extremes, the sooner you deal with it, the better.
The issues which lead to the break up and getting back together pattern need attention.
Take action today and create healthy change in your marriage.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
