How do I heal from an Affair?

The question “How do I  heal from an affair?“, like many aspects of an affair, doesn’t have a one size fits all answer. The reason for this is that ‘not all affairs are created equal’, nor do they all do the same amount of damage.

You also have to consider the constitution of the spouses. Some spouses are flexible enough to deal with the complexities of an affair, while others fall to pieces with the stress and emotional turmoil. Some become erratic and lash out.

Affairs with family members deliver deep wounds, as do affairs with underage lovers and neighbors.

Affairs with same-sex lovers have the potential of doing great wounding as well. Such affairs are viewed as rejecting you on several levels. In such cases, the affair is not limited to a rejection of the spouse, but also of family, sex and age barriers.

The wounding of an affair is always complicated when you bring in issues like those above.

Some spouses act like their whole world is coming apart on hearing of the affair. In some cases, they feel that way, and then recover, although there are some whose whole world really has fallen apart. If the cheater is a major part of their world, it has indeed fallen apart.

You also have to deal with the surface damage and the hidden emotional damage. Since cheaters often deal only with the cosmetics, and appearances, they assume that when they no longer see the damage, that all is healed.

Some of the biggest hurts are those that you can’t see. Just because you can’t see them, doesn’t mean that there’s no damage.

You have to deal with the ripple effects of the affair. The ripple effect is the shock wave that goes through generations. This shock wave travels forward and backward through time.

The damage from an affair is multi-dimensional. It impacts past and future, emotional, psychological, spiritual, physical, relational and mental functioning.

That means that repairing the damage requires extensive work. It’s not something that you can settle with a few serious sit down talks or on a weekend marriage retreat.

You also have to deal with underlying addictions and personality disorders. When you are dealing with a sexual addiction, narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder or drug addiction, the affair may be secondary to something else going on.

The presence of such disorders often requires a different approach in dealing with the affair. It does not make the affair okay in any way, it just requires a different approach.

If there was a one-size fits all answer to “How do I heal from the affair?“, I would give it to you. If you assume that some relationship guru has “the answer” , make sure that they have considered and that you’ve considered all these variables as well.

Variables like whether or not they’ve had an affair, or whether they believe in marriage are things you want to notice. Their own views of marriage color the guidance they provide.

There are some common things that are needed, such as trust, forgiveness, confrontation, etc. Even in these common things, the amount of each often varies with the situation and dynamics you are dealing with.

My program, the “Affair Recovery Workshop” guides you through these common tasks following a special sequence and using the “Direct Connect” method in bringing healing to deeper levels.

The program lets you know what topics to bring up, the most effective way of bringing them up and ways of improving intimacy. The program also points out mistakes you want to avoid making that put your recovery in jeopardy.

Best Regards,

Jeff