Have you ever played a game with a young child who was always changing the rules on you during the game? If you have, you know the confusion that often comes with each new rule change. Much like a child who changes the rules, cheater also make frequent rule changes. Although you use the term ‘cheater’, which carries with it the accusation that the person is not following the rules, in their mind, they are very much following the rules. The problem is that they keep changing the rules on you. The rules often depend on their emotional or mental state. Some days, they have the same rules as you and on other days, they are arbitrarily changed. When the cheater changes the rules, they often do not tell you. In their mind, they are only ‘stretching’ the rules, or finding a loophole in them.
Although you may accuse them of ‘not playing by the rules’ (which they are not), attacking them about their deviations often end up with you being frustrated. During such times, you may want to consider having them explain their ‘rules’ to you. The confusion you experience is often a reflection of the mental gyrations that they are doing in their own mind. When they start explaining their rules to you, it may be the first time that they have talked about them. Once they start verbalizing the rules they are operating by, they may begin ‘self-correcting’ the items. This is a good sign. It means that now, since they are verbalizing their own rules, they are seeing the logical flaws in them.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
4 Responses
Dear DrJeff!
Hi everyone! Yes, l am still out here. Read every awesome post! Just not had time to comment.
As always, this post is so true!
However, what happens too often is that the twisting starts out so subtle in the early days, you don’t fully comprehend what is happening. Then, as time goes on, they have twisted you up & around so badly with their rule changing, it takes much time & effort to begin untwisting. Then, the only way to really get it fully straight is to leave. Then, the real healing can begin!
While l was still with him, things were always so difficult that I could not fully comprehend what l was dealing with, much less how to deal with it.
A few weeks ago, l had the opportunity to speak with a NLP Practitioner. Within just a few minutes of conversing & questioning, he had ‘diagnosed’ my husband as a narcissist! Surprise, surprise……..NOT! l really had a good chuckle over it.
The therapist gave me a couple of assignments to do, one of which was to read the book “In Sheep’s Clothing” by Dr George Simon. If it is all right for me to include this suggestion here, please let ZAZA know about this book so she can read, if she chooses. Also, going to Dr Simon’s web-site has been an excellent resource as l work through the process of unraveling myself from my husband’s distorted ‘reality’!
As always, thank you for continuing this important ministry! When one ministers to others out of genuine love in their hearts, our Creator will repay that love tenfold!! And you, DrJeff, are ministering to some of the most injured people of all!
Take care!
Love to all………
Sherri,
It is goo hearing from you again. The twisted logic often leaves you feeling like a pretzel. What you thought you knew, along with what was up and what was down, is now completely unrecognizable. I am glad to hear that you are getting help.
Thank you Sherri ….I bought that book a couple of weeks ago …and another one of his …I have not read it yet…I seem to have several books going on at once …in addition to Bible and various other studies ….I appreciate your remembering me in all of this …
The ‘condition’ that results from willful sin is much more than we realize ..I see that in this world sin and the deceiver are greatly underestimated …just as the Old serpent has wanted it .
Sin darkens the mind ….aka ‘reprobate ..and what is left along with bad habits is the empty shell of the ability to think in terms of ‘others’ ….descriptive of narcissistic ‘symptoms”…..Thanks again for your recommnedation!
May your journey open up not just a deliverance from this oppressive influence that has worked it’s way into the realm of your relationship but that the freedom from it will be complete for ALL …aka the way salvation through renewed mind upon the knowledge of the Word as those who can and will are going to seek out the truth in Jesus Christ ….in the mean time …health IN HIM for you as you walk out on what you have decided is the healthiest for you at this time …
Hugs
Dear ZAZA,
You are so very welcome!!! Yes, I, too, have several books going at once, in additional to my Bible reading and related resources. So many gems to be had from all those who love their fellow humans enough to share their knowledge!
However, I encourage you to get Dr. Simon’s books read! The information helped me so very much! Of course, since I am away from my disordered person, I have the focus to be able to glean so much more than if I was still in the same home with him.
Of course, the most important is to keep up with your Bible reading. Nothing is more important than your spiritual health. Guard that at all cost!!
Another book I acquired just yesterday is by Mike Bechtle. Am enjoying it immensely! It is entitled(in part) “People Can’t Drive You Crazy……”. It is not about adultery, but has so many gems of wisdom to apply to dealing with disordered people.
ZAZA, keep at it. This is all a process, this extracting ourselves from the disordered men we married. So very sad to see such a waste of the gift of life, but you do not have to sacrifice yourself along with him.
DrJeff, thank you for providing this blog for us to share with others walking this journey.
More another day………
Love to all………