As you work on overcoming an affair, you’ll encounter the bondage and entrapment found with affairs. This entrapment or bondage captures the cheater in the relationship.
In many ways, the lover does their best in entrapping the cheater. Since they can’t rely on attraction alone, they resort to other methods in order to keep the cheater in their relationship with them.
Mentally, there’s the planting of ideas and or a form of groupthink. The lover uses the term ‘we’ or ‘us’ rather than you and me. This starts weaving the two of them together.
By changing the reference point, the entrapment begins. It shifts the cheaters point of reference. It shifts from the singular “I” to the joint “we/us”. That little shift makes a big difference in molding the mental environment the affair operates in.
It changes the frame surrounding their relationship.
They may even use joint fantasy exercises in providing a ‘common experience’ for them and the cheater to share. Since they have little or not history, they have to find a way to bond.
Without a history they are left with either intense stimulating experiences or the creation of a fantasy life together.
Emotionally, there is a bonding that occurs with intense experiences. When intensity is extreme enough, many people confuse it with intimacy.
This confusion of intensity with intimacy allows a stronger bond to form.The cheater falsely assumes they are ‘in love’ based on the intense emotions.
This is were the secretiveness of the affair works against you. Having to sneak around acts like a multiplier to the intensity of the experience.
When you have to sneak, it makes things more exciting. The fear of getting caught adds to the thrill of the experience.
Spiritually, there are also pieces of the bondage. Sexual activity forms bonds on more dimensions than people realize.
It forms connections. Science is only now understanding the chemical bonding. They do not fully grasp the spiritual bonds that occur as well.
It was not by accident that many ancient cults used prostitutes to hook and keep patrons trapped in their religion. The more sex, the more the bonding.
The more the bonding, the stronger the chains that keep the cheater hooked into the affair.
Physically, there are also ploys being used. These may be threats of harm, threats of suicide, threats of exposure, etc.
There may also be shaming used to keep the cheater in line. Using derogatory terms is a way to remind them that they are in the relationship with the lover and that their loyalty is to the lover rather than to you.
There may be messages treinforcing how they have no free will, how they must give into their urges, etc. For example, “You belong to me”, “You are my man” of “You’re my woman”. Each of these wear away at their ability to break free.
When bondage occurs on all these levels or dimensions, it makes for a strong trap. This is what you encounter. The trap can be broken, when you understand how it is constructed and operates.
Although the bondage is breakable, the task is not easy. You need an awareness of the bondage along with the right tools for putting your relationship back.
The downloadable ‘Affair Recovery Workshop‘ guides you through this. You can know what to say, how to say it along with ways of improving the intimacy between the two of you.
It’s not just enough to break the bondage. You’ll need something stronger in drawing your spouse back to you.
Best Regards,
Jeff
