Have you ever noticed the double-standard society has when it comes to affairs and the trauma they bring with them? That double-standard jumped out at me brighter than the neon lights at a Texas hill country ice house.
While attending a funeral in Houston, pastor John Morgan encouraged the grieving family to talk about their loved one. He pointed out how it helps talking about fond memories and what will be missed.
After pondering his words a few days, it struck me that when it comes to affair trauma spouses are frequently told ‘keep it to yourself’. In some cases, they are told in a semi-statement question “Haven’t you talked about the affair enough?”
Outsiders believe that it’s over and done, so you might as well move on. They don’t see the healing you need on the inside of your heart and mind.
So which is the best way of dealing with such a trauma? Should you talk about it more or drop the matter after the cheater confesses and asks forgiveness?
In each case you’re dealing with the ending of a relationship. You’re dealing with losing something important to you.
You’re surrounded with reminders of them and your relationship with them. You are suddenly no longer valued and cherished by them. All this pain, and limits are put on you concerning what you can talk about.
You need time for grieving what you lost. Stopping the talk stifles your healing.
With the affair, there’s a sentiment that you are only supposed to talk about it for a limited time. That limitation doesn’t make sense to me.
Talking about what happened is important in your healing. It takes time for your brain to readjust to the new situation you’re in. Talking about it is one way of coming to grips with what happened.
It’ll take at least six months of talking about it, if not a couple of years.
Each time you tell your affair story, a little more healing occurs. This is why I encourage you to tell your story.
The cheater may think that you’re just dragging up the past to punish them. They’re oblivious to the punishment you’ve been through.
They want to put a band-aid on the hurt and move on rather than working through the hurts. Although the hurt may have happened ‘all at once’, healing happens a little at a time.
In the video “Overcoming Affair Trauma” I provide exercises and guidance in helping you through the healing. This healing like other healing takes repeated applications. As a member of the Restored Lifestyle site, you have access to this program and others.
It would be nice if you could heal all at once. The magic thunderbolt of instant healing would be nice. Although it’s nice to hope for, real healing happens a few heartaches and memories at a time. That’s further reason for needing to talk about your loses, memories and hurts.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
