When you tell your children about the affair, they may have a wide range of reactions. Some may react quickly, while other children let it sink in, stew on it, then react later. How much later? It can be weeks, months or years.
If you are the cheater, your child may not look at your affair the way that you do. You may think that your way of looking at it is the only ‘logical’ way of viewing it. Although you may think that you have the answers of have thought through it, your child has their own assessment of what happened, why and who is to blame. How you handle this can have repercussions over many years. It is a mistake to assume that your child will look at the affair like you do. They have their own minds and own values on such matters. If they disagree with you and your way of looking at it, do not take it personally. If you take it personally and then attempt arguing with your child, you could be risking emotional alienation. If you want their opinion, you will need to respect it and them sharing it with you.
If you make the mistake of trying to argue with them or force your view of the affair on them, you are indoctrinating them. Indoctrination is not communication or discussion. Threatening them for holding views contrary to your own may make you feel better, but it is a sure ticket to a hellacious future.
It is also a mistake to beg and plead with such phrases as “Can’t you see it my way?” or “Can you see things like I see them?” or similar ones are going to do more to shut down communication rather than open it up.
Sure you can have them tell you the ‘party line’ of what you believe or how you see it, but that does not mean that they have those same feelings in their heart. With what they have been through, they need you to give them space and hear them out, rather than shut them down for disagreements.
When they disagree with you, they still need to do so in a respectful manner. Their difference of opinion is not a license for them to call you all kinds of names or attack you. Bear in mind, the affair rocked their world, and typically NOT in a good way.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
