Recently there has been increased activity on my hubpage dealing with ending the forbidden love affair. The material there deals with the cheater or paramour (homewrecker) wanting to break up the affair. Another angle to the question of “How to break up an affair” is from the viewpoint of the resolute spouse. There are times that relationships are not easy to break up. If you recall the episodes from your teenage years when your parents attempted breaking up relationships. Breaking them from the outside if often more difficult than from the inside.
There are no ‘sure-fire’, always works, guaranteed method to break up an affair. There are times that your attempts at breaking it up actually contribute to creating a dynamic that pulls the cheater deeper into the relationship. This is something to be on the look out for.
There are two basic forces that you need to understand. One is attraction the other is repulsion. Bad mouthing the lover is a form of repulsion. Repulsion tries to either push the lover away or create distance between the lover and the cheater. Repulsion can backfire when you reject either the cheater or the lover so much that the seek each other out for comfort. It can also ‘push’ the cheater away. Why would they want to be with you, when you are so negative?
With attraction, you attempt to draw the cheater back to you. Even this approach has to be done with caution. By creating a new, sexier you, complete with a new stimulating wardrobe, and larger sexual openness, you may actually be training your spouse to fall for some other ‘trashy’ man or woman. Such approaches focus on stimulation rather than true attraction of being drawn to you for who you are. Trying to make yourself more like the lover than the lover is, only creates an avatar of the lover. It does not solve the problem, instead, it empowers the lover even more.
So before you take off and break them up, think through what you are doing and whether it will accomplish what you are really seeking.
For more on infidelity, consider my e-books on the subject.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
10 Responses
And sometimes there is nothing to do, and they will leave for the path that requires little of them in the midst of their emotional turmoil. The lover will (seem to) offer no responsibilities, no need to put out the tremendous effort that will be needed to rebuild the relationships they broke with their horrific lying, betrayal and hateful words.(spouse, children, friends, work, relatives–affairs are often not private because they desert their families physically) There are no people with her that are injured and that they have to look at daily and grieve over what they have done. They can just run away and try the gargantuan task of “putting it behind them” without really doing what they need to to be whole again. A rejected spouse can to try to subjugate everything they are, become a sexy vamp, a perfect forgiver who never will bring up what happened, never raise her voice, etc., but it is a hollow place of pain to live a marriage in. This is not a competition to be won, though emotionally we throw ourselves into it. We want them to CHOOSE us for who we are as Jeff said above, but to do that we have to take a stand for integrity along with the forgiveness we offer.
There is a difference between attracting through manipulative techniques–often sexual–and authentic changes and being or, rather, becoming truly your Self.
Attract–Pave the Way–through positive changes, healing, and the “Unconditionals Grace, Agape and Forgiveness. The challenge is that it is a gradual process and involves accepting the process of the affair and that initially the situation may become worse before it begins to improve. Simply getting to the reconciling and rebuilding stage can take months and in certain situations (midlife crisis) it takes years.
The observations above are very astute. The more I tried to live the Prov 31 woman the more my husband enjoyed his ‘freedom’ to abdacate his responsibilities and to feel ‘ok’ because he ‘provided’ so well financially for us. His ‘compassion’ and ‘selfless’ concern for others has been revealed as his narcissistic need to appear ‘good’ and a ‘great guy’ to others while leaving me and a few others to take up the slack he does not find builds his public image as those responsibilities are not SEEN .
The ‘great guy” ” good husband’ ” good family man’ are all a front . In truth he spend all day at work , then went to his OW and the children they had together …then came home in time to kiss our kids good night. His weekends he had his work , golf and [ I found out his OW and kids] .
Now he is outed after many years of this duplicity . My efforts to gain his interest, get him to pay attention to his growing children and his own growth that all that would offer him was fruitless. He NOW is seeing the losses and is despondent. He has ceased his contact with the OW and the kids and we pay monthly support for the kids …but it is generous and she does not work .
He is lacking hope in any recovery but does ‘activities’ of service to try to make it up to me and our remaining children. He is still only doing what He wants to do …not what he has been informed by many resources is needed. It is the difference between RELIGION and a true relationship with the LORD
It takes too much change on his part in every area of his being . His pride, arrogance, selfishness, immaturity and lack of forethought about the outcome of his choices and actions are hitting him in the face now and he is appalled to see it . Only now after several years distance from the adultery is he admitting that he sees what he has done and what the woman is in truth.
She initiated and he simply went along after her. She knew he was married with small children . He was a stranger and approached him with adultery in mind. He then went after her like a lamb to the slaughter and was ‘hooked’ emotionally and sexually. His neglect and indifference to me as wife began earlier but it was veiled in excuses of being ‘overloaded with work responsiblities to all his co workers’ , too tired. ..just not ‘able’ to take on being what a husband and father entails as he might have learned .
The ONE thing prominent in all of this was something I should have heeded his parents said once in the very beginning of our marriage ‘no one has any right to tell another person about GOD”
Even though we were both involved in a ministry ..This one statement should have been a red flag to me about the way he had been brought up. It is now evident that NO BODY …including GOD can instruct my husband …He rejects all input .He is unwilling to learn ..he can sit and listen politely …is ‘kind, generous, and compassionate ‘ but he refuses to act upon what he hears and he is still rejecting his own need to act upon any suggestions that require him to change.
He chooses what HE thinks will work to help ME get through MY difficulties with my emotions but will NOT take my word or anyone elses for what he SHOULD consider is necessary.
I often lose hope in any real marriage coming about . His life during the affair indicates that he is capable of being loving , attentive , taking time for and enjoying a woman ..even when they are not DOING anything…just BEING together….when one of HIS complaints was that I did not like to have ‘fun’ …
That I was not spontainious …he has a short memory …and a selective memory too .I was in showbiz…and active and ‘fun’ but when we had children there was a need for more advanced notice . He simply stole his children’s childhood to continue his own indefinitely
I wish the women that think they are ‘providing ‘ for someone’s husbands what that wife won’t would realize that the man they are ‘loving ‘ is abandoning his adult responsibilities and that the wife and others have to try to fill in for him while he is ‘loving ‘ her.
The damage is HUGE ….every day I am learning more about what we all lost ..himself included …because a woman was intent on getting a ‘trophy ‘
These days …career woman are not satisfied to compete and ‘win’ in the man’s arena…they then want to “win’ a man …not a single available man ..that is no ‘contest’ …they want to ‘win’ a married man who seems responsible and faithful [ to a point,,,one of the most appealing things that this woman liked was that he said he would NEVER leave me] SO her ‘trophy’ was to take ALL of what I had …but without having to make the sacrifices it took for me to help him get where he was .
She took ALL of the various aspects of marriage without being married ..she is getting an income ..because she knew if HE fathered children SHE could count on his support …even though she did not WANT marriage and told him she wanted to be a ‘single mom’ but wanted HIM to be the father.
His ego was so big HE bought that ..and also bought her a house, a luxery car …and spent several days a week with her…NO NIGHTS…EVER …which I observe as true …except ONE business trip …
it doesn’t really matter anyway …they had all the sex …even though she is not attractive …
A man who is so smart in so many areas of life can be so gullible in the area of sexuality .
I tried to engage him on this subject when we got married and over the years ..I could not get him to discuss it …I began to wonder if he was gay! Not a great thing to have to think about .
Meanwhile he kept us MOVING …and I was so busy and exhausted I just kept going …kept trying to get him interested in participating in our lives…I was so sure of his integrity I was sympathetic to his very busy workload as he was a high powered exec with many employees to manage
I think managment training encourages this kind of spreading oneself too thin …and it takes a man who is caring and empathetic and causes him to think he is essential to the morale of the workplace while he ignores his wife …and family
This led to many various ’emotional ‘ attachments …I TOLD him in the beginning of his career that his ways were being misinterpreted by the women in his office ..he scoffed at me and made me feel like I was being overly jealous and accusatory ..UNTIL I discovered that he was getting involved with one of the women emotionally and sat and had a talk with her and it sobered HER up ..that was upon the birth of our first baby .
She was apologetic and left the job and the town ..HE saw the effects of this on me but just learned to be more careful ..and a better liar.
He never thought of himself as a bad guy and made the excuse that he thought I was ‘fine’ with the way things were …I have notes, and diary entries I wrote throughout our marriage recording my efforts to get him to involve himself in our marriage and family
I love the Lord and spent our lives raising and training our children according to the Bible…
My husband began in our marriage loving the Lord but he soon fell away when he changed jobs and began working in a corporation. With each ‘training ‘session’ he became less interested in the Word and more and more world oriented. Cared more about what people thought than doing the right thing
Ross Perot once was quoted that if he found out any of his employees were cheating on their wives he would fire them …he said that how could he trust a man whose wife could not trust him/
Good point.
I trusted my husband because he was able to maintain two lives skillfully ..and covered his absence with the understandable excuse that his work demanded his full attention.
I bought that ..my own mother gave me bad advice but I did not realize …She told me not to call my husband at work or take too much of his time because it reflected badly on him
I since have learned that the FAMILY is supposed to be supported by the work …NOT the work supported by the family..
What a RIP OFF.
I am still hoping in some change …but it will have to be an act of GOD ..which I believe his being “interrupted’ by being discovered…was…Just judgment would have been that he would have DIED in his OW bed ..but GOd is merciful …it is an OPPORTUNITY to repent ..turn from
But JUST stopping adultery is not the only thing …To really be IN marriage as it was intended to be a CHANGE in behavior INTENTIONAL willingness to change …to learn and to do ..is needed.
This is yet to be seen …HE is still his own ‘lord’ and is simply ‘happy ‘ to be ‘home’ …but does not make effort to do what his broken hearted spouse needs…or to do what the Lord has told him to …he is saying he ‘deserves’ no salvation …no sex…He actually continues to ‘punish’ me …while he ‘punishes’ himself
I think he really does not love me as he says …he told me he is here because ‘we are his family’ …’we have history’ …’ it is where he is supposed to be’
Well I suppose that is a comfortable place for him to be …he is surrounded by me and his daughters…and he is fine…but this is still selfish ..and I am too old and tired to do anything more than to stay and make the best of it …
I want my daughters to marry but now it seems they feel they may not …it is a terrible thing a man does to his children to make another woman his ‘world’
Zaza,
Thank you for sharing your wonderful insights. Many of the struggles you have faced are common with those involved in ministry where rather than serving the LORD, they begin serving themselves. The comment made early on, “‘no one has any right to tell another person about GOD†sent shivers down my spine in terms of the ramifications of such an attitude. It opens the door to some major abuses of authority. As Christians, we have great freedoms, yet the choice is made not to act on those freedoms in a self-serving manner. If anything we are to set aside many of those freedoms. It sounds like many of those freedoms were used in a self-serving manner. The OW you describe sounds like the woman of Ecclesiastes 7:26. Those types do set out to trap and ensnare their victims. That verse also provides the ONLY means of escaping such a woman.
Whether on likes Ross Perot or not, his wisdom regarding cheaters is ‘on the mark’. He understands something about human nature with his observations. Society often wants to spotlight his wealth rather than on the kinds of people he used in developing his business ventures.
While reading the account of your husband, the passage about the double minded man kept coming into my mind (James 1:8). In that passage is the promise that such double-minded persons and the lives they lead will be unstable.They may have temporary success, but it will be followed by instabilities. The many moves and emotional attachments sound like instability to me. They (the double minded cheater) will find themselves being torn in many directions. With the mindset that he had that you can not tell another person… he is not likely to listen to any confrontation. Proverbs is filled with passages that refer to how important it is to listen to instruction.
When I read the part about punishing you I had to re-read it several times. It sounds more like he is becoming more extreme in his double-mindedness than anything else. He is doing just the opposite of what he needs to be doing with his wife. The approach he is taking runs the risk of contributing to a ‘self-serving crisis’ where he creates a problem where the solution is engaging (or partaking) in more of the hair of the dog that bit him. His comments contain many mixed truth and error statement. The home and with his wife is where he needs to be, but he is not treating you all as his family. He is not putting your needs ahead of his own. He may say he loves you, but I am not hearing much of it coming through in terms of his actions. He knows what to say, but does not always follow through with the behaviors. When working with clients I look for changes in behavior and thinking. When one is changed and not the other, the change is not permanent.
I agree with how you talked about how they need to be ‘in’ the marriage. This is one of the hallmarks of intimacy. The intimacy will need to be rebuilt.
One of my research projects is a compilation of all the situations in the Bible addressing adultery and what can be learned from each of those. I started it as part of my own instruction and considered whether or not the public would be interested in such a volume. From that project, there are many life lessons that have modern applications. From what you shared, it sounds like that project may be something that could help you.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
Thank you for your response to my post. I appreciate your comments . It helps as most of my reflections are shared with my daughters…even my husband but outside info is mostly from books , dvds , cds and others types of personal venues.
I was thinking about some of this today and I had asked the Lord to provide me with whatever it is I need to be obeying his command to forgive. Having a DESIRE to obey him has led to more study about how this can be brought about in such a deeply wounding situation.
I feel that it is JUST this sort of challenge where I am going to determine just how dedicated I am to keeping HIM as my “LORD” rather than allowing my past or someone elses to be the determiner of my future.
I think this was something of a break through. I cannot be ‘free’ to pay attention and look forward to ..HIS plans if I am still allowing my memories of pain OR pleasure to be where I am ‘stopping ‘ my life
When infidelity hits …no one is prepared. ..That is one reason I took so many years and day and night study to try to find out HOW to respond as I should ..
There are so many options and opinions on this ..the Word of GOD is full of wisdom and this is what I find necessary to digest from “all scripture ‘ because many who love the Lord offer many options that they see as scriptural but they are coming through their own ‘veil’ of understanding and may or may not be the whole truth of the matter.
It has been instructive as you are finding .
The motive to study a subject is one of the driving forces that keeps us searching and particular about making sure we allow the Word to speak as we go along ..deeper into that subject .
Your desire to offer help is no doubt one of the ways you are finding the fuel to keep going and to go deeper with the Lord guiding that search
I found that my ‘surprise’ of how differently my husband looked at life …and what I THOUGHT was going to be our life ..to be one motivating force.
I thought he was sacrificial to keep working so hard and not getting to be with us at home and as we went along on so many family outtings . I took a lot of photos because I felt he was missing out and would enjoy seeing them
This was not the case
He is now slowly waking up to the losses …I am thankful for the encouragment that you site has offered to me and others who have been blindsided…ha ..there is an interesting movie ..esp considering the life that the actors had to deal with …in reality .
So much more going on than people realize …God is always encouraging us to take His word for it …in all matters …concerning life and godliness.
Thanks for your continued helps
“no one has any right to tell another person about GODâ€
Wow, This is shocking to me too. I guess if it is said regarding a religion that is not about a Gospel where we are told to evangelize…a private religion or something…but even then it makes no sense. Why keep God private?
But this statement is anti-christian; the Gospel is Good News and News means it is to be told.
Rollercoasterider,
You are right about the statement being antithetical to the Gospel.Jesus submitted to authorities (his father, his Father), and instructed his disciples to tell others about God. In the Old Testament, Moses and the prophets did the same. They each had the full authority of heaven to do so, which gave them the right.
In this case, it appears to be a mantra regarding authority. In order to hold onto such a mantra, the person recognizes no authority outside of themselves. I have encountered this kind of thinking before and it is hard to discuss much of anything with a person that hold such a mindset. When that kind of mindset is combined with infidelity, it makes for a dangerous combination. The cheater views themselves and the final authority of their actions, so they can not be held accountable for what they do, at least not in terms of references to God 9e.g. they have de facto put themselves in the God position). Getting through the mental and emotional defenses of such a mindset is quite a challenge. It can be done, but it takes LOTS of work.
I appreciate your comments and adding to the discussion.
Absolutely …That is what I meant by it SHOULD have been a ‘red flag’ …I underestimated the parental influence on my husband’s mind. He was not rooted and grounded in scripture. His parents were raised during the thirties and forties …He was born in the fifties ..wherein MORALISM was what passed for Christianity .
At the time of OUR beginnings I did not recognize the effects of the upbringing and educational cirriculum upon the worldview of people …I too had much to UNLEARN as the Lord led me and still leads me 42 years later in the ‘renewed mind’ transformation that ONLY comes through our own applied effort to cast down vain imaginations and every high thing that holds itself up against the knowledge of GOD and bring into captivity EVERY thought to the word of GOD.
Thus …the ongoing changes in perspective INCLUDE my understanding of what I was thinking in error as I trusted that my husbands words and intitial participation in learning Bible …was enough to secure trust in his intentions
The Word of GOD is likened to a SWORD which reveals our thoughts and intentions…even to ourselves.
We don’t even know sometimes tha our best intentions when not founded upon truth are still not truth.
His intentions to be a husband were soon worn thin by his refusal to study and learn from the Word of GOD what love from God’s perspective meant
Like many during the 60s ‘love’ meant ‘sex ‘ …or at least spreading our affections over a great many people
God tells us to set our affections upon things ABOVE ..we are told by HIM that we are NOT our OWN but we were bought with a price…that of his SON …and that we are not to be servants of men
This seemed like a contradiction for a while ..until I saw that as I learned FROM the LORD what HE meant by love ..and to love HIM meant to hold to truth in my own life…to allow Him and his word applied to my thinking to be the ‘service’ to HIM that would serve him in the lives of OTHERS as I attended to HIS desires ..HIS word ..HIS commandments to live in and by them
This was a LOT different perspective than the way ‘humanistic theology ‘ presented a view of GOD and Jesus Christ as a DOING rather than a BEING state or rather a BECOMING …as the word begins to direct our thoughts , perspectives and paths
By the way …I did not cease to speak the Word with due respect to his parents…I did so as the Word came to mind because I owed my soul to the Lord
What was sorrowful was that my husband lost courage to grow in the WORD and to show his loyalty to me ..he did not defend me when his father told me directly not to speak about God or Jesus in their home any more
Later in his life he came around and began to ask me to answer questions. ..but it was YEARS later as he observed the way homeschooling our children had brought forth good fruit
In some ways I am grateful he did not live to know about his sons choices to live so unfaithfully
I think I see that if someone is not able to sustain their faithful obedience to the Lord in terms of keeping the Word fresh in mind…then truely they will be ill equipped to withstand temptation …the WORD is what keeps us aware of our duty to keep the Lord in view in all matters .
The study and holding of the Word in mind in all of our choices and behavior helps us do so.
Now my husband is recognizing all that he would not hear before .
Parental upbringing does no DOOM us but his family was close knit…he had a great ‘leave it to Beaver ‘ type of family in all aspects …which gave them the idea that they did not NEED any more info on GOD
This type of intellectual pride is something I see as what Jesus refers to when talking about ‘rich men’ ..not just in terms of stuff…but in terms of what we THINK we KNOW about the Lord …when mostly people presume they know …God says NO man KNOWS who the Father is but the SON and HE to whom the SON REVEALS Him….through the working of the WORD which is HIS spirit IN our minds…to bring us to understanding
The WORD warns that it is the “FEAR of the LORD that is the beginning of wisdom’
His parents did not have any fear of GOD …and their son soon reverted back to that …he also was lifted up by the great areas of his life in terms of his education at a highly respected ivy league school, his various skills and prowess in many fields…but as the Word says ..what is highly esteemed in the world is not so much with God if HE is not FIRST in all things to us.
How the mighty have fallen ,…
The Lord tells us that he resists the proud but gives grace to the HUMBLE
Humbling ourselves or BEING humbled as the discovery of one in adultery often MAY facilitate is often the best thing that could happen to the one that is blinded by this sin .
Zaza,
You are not alone in underestimating parental influence on the relationship. They are a major force whether they use their influence knowingly or unknowingly. They often set the stage that the couple finds themselves having to deal with. I find that couples can either knowingly deal with it or be blindsided by it. I was always one that wanted to deal with it rather than be blindsided. I do not like surprises when it comes to affair related issues.
Thank you Jeff . It helps to be confirmed in the things I am learning …I appreciate your offerings