All affairs are not the same. It is a mistake for you to assume that they are. They are not all about sex, or loss of self-control, or sexual addiction, or being seduced. There are some affairs that are out of anger. The cheater may be using the affair to get back at you or someone else.
Anger is a very powerful emotion. It is often the emotion that energizes a person to take action. Anger gives you a burst of energy. When there is an affair out of anger, the anger often energizes a desire for revenge. Even with the affairs out of anger, there are different varieties. One of the more common types is the ‘payback affair’. This occurs when a spouse has an impulsive affair as part of a payback for some hurt they endured. In many cases, the payback occurs in reaction to an affair by the other spouse. Payback affairs can be with someone who the cheater knows that the spouse will find ‘unacceptable’. It may be an affair with a family member or member of an ethnic group or religion that is sure to anger their target. The payback is often impulsive. When the spurned spouse is energized by their own anger, they direct that energy to seducing on impulse. They may even have an affair with someone they barely know or stranger, just to take action. In such cases, the affair has a major ‘release’ component. The cheater acts out more to release their anger than to satisfy sexual urges.
Knowing what drives an affair is important. Dealing with anger will require a different approach than a drinker who loses control, or someone who has been plotting and planning an affair over a period of years.
I do deal with some of the different types of affairs in both my e-book on surviving affairs and my seminar on affairs if you want to know more.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
