There were times growing up when I was told not to do some things because “It ain’t natural“. There were some situations and behaviors frowned upon due to them being outside the natural order of things.
The advice was too simple and non-specific for me at that time. It seemed flimsy to me. The counsel of not doing it because “It’s not natural” wasn’t substantial enough for me.
Although I was given this admonition, there were times I dismissed that counsel, viewing it as not in keeping with the times. During the sixties and seventies, such counsel was not modern or progressive.
It’s only decades later I see the wisdom behind the admonition of “It ain’t natural“. Had I listened to it some of the stress that comes with unnatural situations would have been avoided.
One place where that admonition would have helped concerns affairs in blended families. When an affair blows up a blended family, it creates tensions and loyalties binds that ‘ain’t natural’.
Affairs create enough tensions and loyalty problems. In blended families, these are compounded by old wounds and weak loyalties already in place.
You’ve got wounded people wrestling with new wounds and hurts. You’ve got people with hurts and rejection issues trying to face new ones.
One unnatural situation is where you and the cheater disagree on how to tell what have become your children about the affair. The affair puts your marriage and your position in an unnatural bind.
The natural parent may limit what you can say and do with them. The children are torn between what their blood parent says and what you say.
This means that all the answers for traditional family structures and dynamics don’t work. They weren’t designed for situations like this.
Being in any unnatural situation brings unnatural stress and tension. You’re pulled in ways that no parent should ever be. You love your children, but in this situation, you can’t treat them like they are your own.
There are limits put on what you can do and say that turn the unnatural situation into a no-win nightmare.
There are no good options. The options you want to choose are now off limits to you. I recall what my dad said when he was faced with a no-win medical dilemma, “I’ve looked at all the options, and they all suck.”
Even simple questions now pose tough challenges.
Do you do what’s morally right?
Do you do what will save your marriage?
Do you keep peace in the family?
Do you speak the plain truth and let the pieces fall where they may?
What could have been worked out is not solvable in the current situation. Unsolvable problems are more stressful than the solvable ones. They are the ones you just have to find a situation you can live with.
The hard truth is that some situations don’t have pleasant solutions. This is when you need a place to go to share and discuss things.
You need somewhere to go just to vent and mentally work through the situation.
I invite you to join the support community at Restored Lifestyle, which is a place where you can vent and mentally work through unnatural situations like these.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
