One of the ways cheaters use in dealing with their double-life is ‘fragmented thinking’. Leading a double life poses challenges.
If the cheater were honest, they’d choose one value system and live it. Instead, they try living with two value systems.
They maintain a respectable one with you, while having another one they use when they’re in ‘cheat mode’.
In previous generations, the term ‘double-mindedness’ would’ve been used in describing this. The term fragmented thinking describes how cheaters selectively choose bits and pieces of value systems that suit their needs.
Since they’re not operating consistently with one value system or another, their thinking is more of a fragmented patchwork.
Those familiar with psychology know about ‘cognitive dissonance‘. When the mind is in a bind, it’s forced to make choice that maintains mental system coherence. Rather than making a choice to maintain consistency, they pick and choose the ‘reality’ or mental system they operate in.
At times, they’re the loyal respectable, dedicated spouse and at other times they are the lying, cheating infidel.
This fragmented thinking makes confronting them difficult. It’s as if you have to ask, ‘Which person am I dealing with?‘ The reality is that you are having to ask ‘which value system are they operating by?’
Knowing which value system they’re using lets you know which approaches and interventions will work best along with the most effective way of reaching their heart and talking to the ‘real’ them.
When you understand the fragmented thinking, it’ll keep you from thinking that you’re going crazy. You’re not going crazy. You’re just dealing with a crazy environment and circumstances.
Another aspect of fragmented thinking is that part of them remains bonded to their lovers. When cheaters have multiple lovers, they risk being highly fragmented.
I’s as if they have a fragment for each lover. Collecting all those pieces of their mind and heart back into one place poses some challenges.
With each piece shared with lovers, the amount of heart available to you grows smaller and smaller. This part of fragmented thinking is the end product of the other type of fragmented thinking.
This can explain that your spouse may not be a sociopath, but instead be so fragmented that they do not know where their heart is.
Best Regards,
Jeff
