There are many different ways of expressing anger. Although your spouse may have their own way of expressing anger, the payoff of anger is CONTROL. When the anger gets over the top, someone is wanting control, and using anger to achieve it. The irony is that they often loose control of themselves while seeking the control of another person or the situation.
Even though the bottom line is anger. In 95% of those cases, the real problem underlying the anger is something else. Anger and control are merely being used as ways of dealing with their issue. Anger in those 95% of the cases is a secondary reaction. The root issue is what they are using anger to cover up. It may be embarrassment at being caught, feeling insecure, being scared or something else.
If you think that the main problem is their anger or your anger, and make plans accordingly, you plans will likely fail, since anger is not the root issue needing attention. Anger is what the cheater is using as a way to cope. Assuming that anger is the issues will lead to misplaced attempts at fixing the wrong problem. Such an intervention may provide you with some time, yet that is not solving the problem, it is merely stalling.
So before you lock horns with the cheater over anger, remember that anger is likely a secondary reaction. The real problem is the one underlying the anger.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
