Have you ever dreamed of being a celebrity? When I was younger the idea of being a celebrity appealed to me. I had no idea what it entailed, but the fantasy of being noticed for something I could do appealed to me.
It wasn’t a big dream, and who knows if it would have come true. There was something exciting about reaching such status and having fans surrounding you.
Along the way, I’ve met my share of celebrities and notables. I’ve talked to them, been photographed with them. I won’t name names or anything, but it’s fair to say that some of these folks were big names in their respective fields.
I’m happy to report that virtually all of the celebrities and notables have been really nice people, especially when you consider how many knuckleheads and jerks there are out there.
They have some enjoyable times, yet few celebrities discuss the down-side of their lives.
One of the down sides is what the researcher Patrick Carnes termed the “Nobel Prize Phenomena“. The idea is that there are many rewards for the person who becomes a celebrity, but the price is steep.
This happens when you’re so surrounded by people you can’t get your work done. You may be talented, yet your talent isn’t allowed expression due to the crowds.
There is a downside to celebrity. You are not free, you are constantly observed and under the spotlight. There is no peace and quiet for celebrities, they’re in the public eye 24/7.
This Nobel Prize Phenomena also does a number on trust and your ability to trust. You can’t trust the people around you, as they all want to be close to the celebrity. This is not healthy and it contributes, I suppose, to a lot of celebrities going crazy or their lifestyle leading them into trouble at some point in time.
You begin wondering “Why do they want to be with me?” You start questioning the motives of those surrounding you. This is very unhealthy and it wears you down.
Although you may not be a celebrity, you find yourself asking the same question in your marriage. “Why do you always want to be with me?” or “What do you get out of being with me? What is my value to you?”
You wonder why your spouse wants to be with you. When this happens, it’s a signal that there are trust issues going on. It may be you not trusting yourself or that trust in your marriage has been damaged or even some negative message from your childhood coloring your view of your marriage.
There’s likely some self-esteem issues as well, yet since my focus in on relationships, that’s what I’ll limit the conversation to.
In questioning why others want to be with you or around you, you’re in a state of distrust. You see what they’re doing, yet wonder about their motivation. There are many reasons this may appear. It could be your own insecurity, especially if you did not have a good support system growing up .
Or it might be something more specific. Unfortunately, some spouses don’t really trust each other or see the value in being with each other and that colors their perceptions of one another.
You’re in a place where you’re second guessing romantic gestures or any affection. You may even feel unworthy of their affections.
I’ve encountered some cheaters who take this position, assuming they aren’t worthy of love. They even go so far as to using the affair in proving their unworthiness.
In their mind, they don’t deserve love from you, so they seek it out from someone else. They may even tell you “You deserve someone better than me.”
They don’t understand trust or love.
It’s not all their fault. They may have had it hammered into them that they were unworthy of love.
As a child, you likely received some messages from parents or guardians about whether or not you were worthy of their affection or love, especially attention. It could have been subtle, yet the message still came across loud and clear.
The risk of this is higher when early family life is within a dysfunctional family. The negative messages implanted have ways of coming back in the form of insecurities.
They are experiencing clueless-ness about some basic relationship need. If you’ve been saying it, you need some help regarding trust.
In the video “How Can I Trust You Again?” I address the importance of trust along with ways of rebuilding it.
Healthy relationships require healthy trust. You can’t have a healthy relationship if you’re going around questioning why to others want to be with you.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
