One of the challenges of dealing with people that have twisted thinking is that they don’t believe that their thinking is twisted. Twisted thinking often has a support system that keeps it in place.
When a cheater is saturated with thinking that cheating is acceptable, whether it be through being surrounded by other cheaters, growing up in a part of the world that condones cheating or being raised in a family that excuses cheating they are not open to having their thinking challenged.
They’re used to thinking that cheating is ‘normal’. If you try to convince them that their thinking is wrong, they will turn things around on you and leave you more confused than your started out.
If they’re educated, it will be even harder to convince them that their thinking is twisted. When education is added to twisted thinking, their psychological defenses are too ingrained to be amenable to being confronted.
Besides being twisted in their thinking, they’re often insensitive to others. They often only think about themselves and others just need to ‘get over their issues’.
Their harsh emotional exterior is needed in order to be able to have the affair without experiencing major bouts of guilt.
So how can you deal with such persons? Many spouses just throw up their hands and give up on such persons and situations. In some cases, you may feel like that is your only option.
If you want to work through it, consider starting by confronting their sensitivity. You will need to awaken their sensitivity before they will see cheating as bad.
Start with addressing the link between their profligacy and your pain. Once they see the link between them, you have a window of opportunity.
Like any window that hasn’t been opened for years, it takes time. The window needs to be opened SLOWLY and carefully. Once the window is opened wide enough, they’ll be able to listen to you and your views on affairs, but not before.
Do not try to moralize or convince them that affairs are wrong until they are out of their insensitive mode of thinking. Twisted minds take time to untwist, and some spouses are worth the effort.
This is why I wrote the ebook, ‘Why He Cheats“, which addresses many of the common frustrations of cheating. You’ll gain and understanding of them along with ways of removing them.
Best Regards,
Jeff
