Although there have been several previous posts on sexual addictions, it occurred to me that little has been said about love addicts and their impact on affairs. You may think, “That topic has nothing to do with me” and be fooling yourself.
Love addiction does impact you. It can also be a threat to your marriage. Although you may not be the one with the addiction, there may be someone else with the addiction that threatens your marriage.
First, there is a tendency for more sexual addicts to be men and more love addicts to be women. These are tendencies, and not hard and fast rules. There are some female sex addicts and some male love addicts, although the general trend. These trends are based on numbers of people seeking treatment for this disorders. Since seeking treatment for them carries with it some issues, these trends may not be fully accurate.
That being said, love addiction is a real problem with both men and women, even though women at this point have reported more concerns with it. In the case of love addicts, they are driven by the hormone PEA (Phenylethylamine). The sex addict is driven by a different hormone. Although the behaviors are similar at times, the hormone that is driving their behaviors are very different.
With love addiction, there is a preoccupation with the lover in their head. There are many fantasies and assumptions surrounding ‘the lover in their head’ or “the one”. The love addict often finds themselves acting out sexually in their search for that lover.
Since the lover is in their head, they are not ‘real’ and operate within a different reality than real people. The lover in their head does nothing wrong, always satisfies them, is always considerate, is always passionate, etc.
When a love addicts encounters ‘normal’ or ‘regular’ people, they are disappointed. They get bored with ‘normal’ people or those who are available to them. They often start new relationships before leaving the old one. Since they can not find a lover among those available, they begin seeking out the ‘unavailable’.
This is where the love addict is a threat. Among those considered ‘unavailable’ are married men. There is an added excitement to relationships with those who are unavailable. This added excitement makes a relationship with them more intense.
As a love addict gets sicker, they will seek out sicker partners. In their unhealthy way of thinking sick often gets confused with unavailable or unattainable. It is not that your spouse is sick, it is that they are unattainable that make such a spouse so tempting for a love addict. The greater the challenge, the more the effort will be expended attaining it.
The love addict is driven more by the chase than a sex addict, which is driven more by the excitement of the sexual behavior.
One of the tragic aspects is that they are seeking the lover in their head, which no real person will ever match. There will always be disappointment for them. When they target your spouse, it is driven more by the lover in their head, than an actual attraction to the real person you married.
This is one of the reasons that you may find yourself thinking, “This does not make sense”. They are operating based on attaining the lover in their head rather than having to deal with logic, reasoning or natural consequences.
In the love addicts mind, they want what you have. You have love and they want it. They may even think that you do not deserve your spouse and that they deserve them more. This is where things get dangerous. Since they are so obsessed, they may go to extremes in either making you look bad or chasing after your spouse.
When the lover is a ‘love addict’, you may find yourself facing irrational situations and choices. They may do things and go to extremes that do not make sense to you. In such cases, they will not respond to logic. You can not reason with with them since they are not driven by reason.
This does not mean that they are not intelligent. What it does mean is that their drives are so strong, it often over rides self-control or self-discipline. They want their idealized love relationship no matter what the cost.
When the lover is a love addict, there is a higher risk of stalking or other threats. There is also a higher risk that they may not ‘accept’ the ending of the affair. The cheater may have ended it, but the lover won’t let go and does not mind going to extreme lengths to keep the affair going.
If you see that affair having unhealthy preoccupations or obsessions on the part of the lover, you may be dealing with a love addiction issue.
There is hope for love addicts and those dealing with addictions now have more treatment options that in the past. The challenge is getting them in treatment while keeping them out of your life and marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeff
