Some cheaters and perhaps some of you as well try to recover from an affair through blaming. You may blame parents, God, the lover, the economy, bad friends, etc. for the affair in your marriage. Blaming often makes you temporarily feel good by pinning the blame on someone or something else. When the problem lies outside of you, then you have no responsibility for fixing things or coming up with answers. Blaming also keeps you from seeing the real problems and real solutions for your situation.
Blaming is also a way to keep the fights going. With no one accepting responsibility, the circus can go on and on. When you blame, you also do not have to allow your spouse to get close to you. The blaming can be used to keep them at arms length. It keeps you from taking risks and ever having to be vulnerable. It keeps you safe, but it also builds walls that make take years to remove.
Blaming is a quick fix to reduce the pain. It can get you out of a state of discomfort, but it does not fix your marriage. Blaming does not improve your marriage. Blaming does not make you more attractive to your spouse. It is easy to find other people that will join your blaming, yet you will find that they are often as dysfunctional as you are. Stopping the blaming is a way to start the healing. It will take you out of your comfort zone, yet despite the discomfort, it also brings real healing to the relationship. Instead of looking for who to pin the blame on, consider what your contribution to the mess is and what you can do to improve things.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
