A reader asked about “how to know if your spouse is mentally ill or a lying bastard?” The question itself grabbed me on several levels.
The pain and anger behind such a question comes through as well. It’s not a question that can easily be dismissed or passed over.
You can’t ignore a question like this one. You may have even asked this question yourself.
If you’ve asked this question, you may be creating a false dichotomy. You assume that they are either mentally ill or a lying bastard. You create a situation where they are one or the other.
Has it occurred to you that it could be BOTH? The cheater could be mentally ill and be a lying bastard. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.
The term “lying bastard” often refers to someone who is self-serving and intentionally deceives you. The term ‘bastard’ is typically reserved for someone who acts with little or no sense of moral upbringings.
Some cheaters act as if they have no sense of morals, or that their values are some self-serving form of ‘select your own perversion’, where they serve the higher being of their own person.
There are many kinds of selfish bastards. Some are of the “what you see is what you get types” that are easy to spot. They are selfish, they know it and they do not try to hide it. They are out for a good time and all that matters to them is #1.
Then there’s also the self-righteous selfish bastards. They are still selfish bastards, yet they’ve found a way of hiding their selfishness behind religious talk. You’ll discover that they are tricky.
Their language often has many “God” and “religious” references, yet the reality is that the God they serve is themselves. They may talk to you about ‘inner truth’ or ‘inner path’, yet the reality of that path is sexual indulgence. All that talk about ‘enlightenment’ is nothing more than finding a way into somebody’s pants.
Bastards by definition are without the moral upbringing of parents. They are ‘on their own’. They may have been born that way, or in more cases, they reject any kind or authority or accountability. They are their own authority and boss.
There’s also a strong correlation between selfish bastards and S&M folks. The ultimate in being a selfish bastard is when they enjoy inflicting pain as part of their sexual joy.
The Marquis de Sade is a perfect illustration of this. He took thing to the extreme, and foresaw where being a selfish bastard takes you. Since they only care about themselves, any discomfort or pain on your part is dismissed or minimized. They may even claim that you have not learned to ‘enjoy’ sex.
(What they don’t tell you is that their view of ‘enjoying sex’ involves you experiencing pain.)
The lying bastards often come across as being strong and self-confident. What is often not seen is the selfishness behind that self-confidence.
Learning to tell the difference between someone with a healthy self-confidence and bastard self-confidence is important. You need to know the difference in order to avoid being tricked.
This brings me to the mentally ill question. The assumption is often made that when someone is mentally ill, they’re incapable of some things. When it comes to cheating, it’s assumed that they’re incapable of controlling themselves. For some reason, the assumption is made that they have little to no impulse control.
When the label of ‘mentally ill’ is used, the assumption is made that somehow they are not selfish. There is something else going on regarding their cheating that is not driven by selfishness.
When they’re mentally ill, they are often given a variation of a ‘free pass’ when it comes to cheating. There are some cases of severe brain trauma, brain viruses or dysfunction where I can see that as warranted.
When you’re dealing with the severe cases of trauma, viruses or dysfunction, it’s readily apparent. You’d know that ‘something is just not right’. There’s no question as to whether or not they were a bastard or mentally ill. You would know the answer without having to ask the question.
In asking the question, the cause of the cheating is not so apparent. When it comes to mental illness and cheating, there are often many questions. I also know and in previous posts have addressed how cheating changes your brain. Yes, cheating changes your brain.
Given that cheating changes your brain, with the creation of new connections and pathways, you have to consider the chicken or the egg. Which comes first, the mental illness or the cheating?
Since cheating morphs your brain, it is possible that the behavior that you consider ‘mental illness’ results from the cheating and not the other way around.
You also have to consider that when someone is a ‘selfish bastard’, they are often missing empathy and social skills. These days the pop psychology term is ’emotional intelligence’.
When someone doesn’t have basic relationship capabilities, is there much difference between them and those who have a mental illness?
A better question would be whether what caused the cheating is permanent or temporary. If you know if you are dealing with a long-standing problem that is not going to improve or if it is a temporary state that can change, it makes a world of difference.
When you are in the middle of dealing with cheating, it is hard to consider such questions. “How long will this cheating last?” is a question that presumes that you will move past the affair.
For more ideas on what’s behind your spouse’s cheating, my e-book “Why He Cheats” goes into greater detail on this topic.
Best Regards,
Jeff
3 Responses
Permit me to bring to mind the way the ‘wordsmiths’ of the day …those most skilled in rebranding or revising history and even redefining terms ….have made effort yet again to smooth over the consciences of those who tend to follow their lust like ‘wild asses snuffing up the wind’
Jer 14:6 And the wild asses did stand in the high places, they snuffed up the wind like dragons; their eyes did fail, because there was no grass.
Lust has a way of disappointing those who live by it.
But I was reading about this ‘term’ which is pejorative in it’s use in the bible in regard to the ‘fruit’ of adultery….being born out of wedlock USED to be shameful. But in today’s world the ongoing effort to smooth over the consequences which result from sin there is an effort now to eliminate this as a ‘label ‘ upon those who have the sad heritage of being born of two selfish people.
This is indeed a sad ‘word’ and I cannot think of anyone wanting to harm the children born of two selfish and thoughtless people further by using it in reference to them. Still this word has been used in the Word of God by His inspiration for His purposes. That those who wish to eliminate this word in it’s proper context is evidence that this type of legacy is shameful and identifies those who are the victims of such infidelity.
That being said you would think people would want to avoid such a situation being laid upon a helpless child! But what we have seen in this age of redefining and ‘bastardizing’ [could not resist] words…as change agents seem to be enjoying doing. Nothing is sacred in the march to redefine and change our society and world to the image of those who purpose to know best.
The Biblical word “Bastard’ is as follows….found in Blueletterbible.org
Strong’s H4464 – mamzer
From an unused root meaning to alienate
bastard, child of incest, illegitimate child
bastard
mixed population (fig.)
born of a Jewish father and a heathen mother or visa versa
Many people today wish to undermine the impact of the Bible by saying it was written by men….indeed “holy men of God spoke as they were MOVED BY THE HOLY SPIRIT” with God’s expressed intention to provide us with ‘instruction in righteousness’ as 2 Tim 3:16 points out.
Being the Creator of trees, watermelon and human hands I am pretty secure in that God is capable of authoring , inspiring [God Breathed…theopneustos] what He wanted written AND being able to preserve it for those who have any interest to learn from Him about what HIS perspective is on all things.
Those who do not want to know generally are not satisfied to ignore the Bible but go further to redirect and discourage others from trusting it as well. Despite all of this the Bible STILL appeals to those who are not to closed minded to seek out the ulimate content …and many still do come out of that process actually BELIEVING it is TRUTH …THE TRUTH …and that GOD is GOOD and His words and commands are GOOD and WISE! WOW! Who’dah thunk!
The present day effort to ‘soften’ the blow of the truth does seem to also include the use of words in ways that cause people to have less offense to them. Hey …if you can’t eliminate the truth …TWIST it’s meaning by how it is used.
I offer examples of how this word ‘bastard’ has been glamorized in order to bring about a sense of ‘heroism’ and ‘macho bravado’ in being dubbed….a “lucky bastard’ , ‘inglorious bastard ” [ of recent movie title], “sorry bastard’ [usually said in a teasing manner among buddies] and so on.
Like many sinful things the effort is to cause it to lose it’s sting by repetition and in using it in a context that conveys some sort of enviable state.
Just as adultery is often referred to as ‘affair’ or the state of a wife or husband has been transformed to the ‘spouse’ or worse…’significant other” the move has been toward banishing the identity of God created jurisdictions and privileges to a general ‘everybody’ . This gives way to the legitimization of all kinds of things God has warned as dangerous and destructive to individuals as well as society at large.
With the casting off of all restraints we see that revelry does not really stop with any boundaries at ALL! The recent filming of the wholesale lunacy and debauchery to celebrate ‘Spring Break’ is only one of the overt and unabashed examples of just how far we have gone “OUT” ….and way beyond the so called ‘innocent fun’ of yesteryear events of the same name!
So to identify those who cheat as ‘mentally ill’ would probably fall into the category of those who have chosen to disregard the warning of GOD to ‘renew their minds upon the Word of GOD and be TRANSFORMED by it more and more to appreciate what opposes our natural flesh. YES ….the Bible identifies those without the mind of Christ …those who are ‘natural men devoid of truth …who regard the Word of GOD as ‘foolishness’ because they do not have the spirit of GOD …
The carnal mind is enmity against GOD ….cannot know it …is not submitted to it …and thus …God has pronounced the mind of unsaved man as ‘unsound’ and incapable of seeing clearly the end of where sin will take him…even if he has observed others die on that battle field he is SURE HE will not be found out or suffer damage.
Here to testify that “Sin does indeed ‘find you out’ and often times the fall out is far worse and far reaching that most people believe…thanks in part to Hollywood and all kinds of fantasy stories about the celebrity life some day dream about …as IF!
The hardest part of this is that people are STILL held accountable to KNOW …and mental illness is not really a valid identity for those who dive into infidelity with premeditated planning,…lying day after day with skill and smooth soothing assurances of love …and protests of how hard they are working when AWOL from household and marital obligations.
In truth men and women marry vowing to WORK …even if they are not aware of it….there is NO area of life that does not require WORK in order to reap the benefits of whatever area it is !
The Bible holds all accountable even for the state of sin that came through ADAM and EVE! It is BECAUSE of God’s love and His just and holy state that HE was concerned enough to send His only begotten Son to make full payment for sin.
That alone should cause us pause to reflect BEFORE DECIDING and PLANNING to go ‘shopping’ for freebies!
In my own personal opinion having had a career in the entertainment business and in ministry …observing people as they trolled for some ‘change’ in their life among others doing the same …they are MISSING out .
They are missing the POINT…the deceiver has sold them some kind of Koolaid and they think it will all be OK because after all it is ‘THEM ‘ and THEY are special….and so smart.
Yes, as I went forward in doing all I could to fulfill my part as best as I could search out to learn how to be a good wife…I see I had a real ‘learning curve” but I have to say I never wavered nor considered doing to my husband or any other possible ‘partner’ willing to cheat with me …I never considered defiling others or harming my husband or my children by going that way.
In recent times there are people who object to the testimony of those who believe the Bible and bring the judgment that GOD has made regarding particular sins…but what is failed to be brought forth is that this is not the people’s ‘faith’ that defines this as if it is based upon their OWN position but it is GOD’S judgment and it is judged as SIN because it is DANGEROUS and HARMFUL …as anyone here may agree.
I recently was in a conversation with a man who is a believer whose pastor feared to interrupt his daughter of 18 who went on her first date with a 27 year old divorced young man.
In my study of the Word I see we are a far cry from men understanding their privilege God ordained calling to protect and provide for women….Fathers to protect their daughters emotions from being solicited by untrained and young men of weak and ignorant character …who themselves have not had the info of why this matters.
Today far too many women think it is flattering to be desired and lusted after and they encourage it because it is a sign of the times to indicate they are ‘valued’ but for all the wrong reasons …many are hurt and broken before they even get out of high school!
Young men associate the number and ‘quality’ of the women they can ‘get’ as some how a trophy and identity of being masculine and viral.
This has not stopped with young men but now every five minutes men are presumed to be measuring themselves by their activity …if the commercials for viagra are to be believed.
Now there is a pill coming out to increase women’s libido!
I have read the Word and I am healthy as any woman in any area …described in the Word as being an enthusiastic lover …but when my husband began to disregard my gentle request that he dial his charm back at work …for my sake AND for the sake of the women he worked with he scoffed at me.
The experience of a wife when her husband disregards her feelings and charges her with being too sensitive or being jealous when it is a valid situation where he is sending out messages …and then it turns out that feeling of the wife is VALID and proven …well …it destroys bit by bit a woman’s view of her value to her husband and it puts her in a situation of ‘comparison’ with other women. God has a remedy for this …the husband is to not allow himself to do anything which gives his wife cause to doubt his love and admiration for her.
For me to bring this to his attention only was met with the idea that I was insecure and vain….but I come to find out this concern for fidelity in marriage is right and protective. ..not the same thing as possessive , jealousy of some random woman for a man she is not married to!
The deliberate disregard for the feelings of one’s wife WILL cause a frosty bedtime environment. No wife wants to be the ‘last choice’ of her husband or have to think that he prefers other people ..especially women to her in any way. Men create their own romantic dilemma …I didn’t come up with that GOD did.
He knows how we are ‘wired’ . He knows what women need as wives to be ‘warmed’ and to grow closer to their husbands. As a husband disregards what GOD tells him to do …he will find himself in a condition of his own making in terms of his desire for sex .
But this is so much more than sex….even though from most every pulpit this is taught as the MAIN thing for wives to become expert in ….Why not teach as GOD does …to the man and his responsibilities..?
I have an idea that if that were to happen …just as many pulpits avoid teaching the ‘hard things’ from the Word of GOD …that the pews would soon empty out.
The man at the pulpit finds it easier to preach what the few men in the service want to hear …at the expense of those men !! They are not learning what GOD has set forth addressed to men!
I observed that there is MORE instruction to men in the Bible than to women ..and that men have a greater ordained jurisdiction with distinct responsibilities.
I entered into marriage with some effects of the gender neutralization even at that time …I read the word ‘men’ or ‘man’ without distinguishing how the responsibilities that GOD had ordained and commanded to men where FOR MEN!
What a concept…much of the time my husband turned over his responsibilities in our family to me …and I tried to take them on because I was raised to be sympathetic to my ‘poor husband’ because he ‘worked so hard’ and he needed to ‘play ‘ ‘in order to stay healthy’ ! So much of what I was raised with.
So I even felt guilty asking my husband to help around the house….boy did that play into his immaturity. I did not TAKE OVER …but I did what I thought would ‘lighten his load’ and he worked that angle well for all those years.
After D Day I revisited a lot of the BIBLE to see how scripture defined many of these things…our children were grown so I finally had more than a few minutes or hours to study the Word…I discovered how deceived the teaching had been toward the wives being fully responsible to make and keep their husbands happy….while my husband did not even have a thought about my need of his help never mind my ‘happiness’!
I don’t want to sound bitter …I realize we both entered marriage in need of more RIGHT doctrine…and he pretty much stopped reading the Word around the time our first child was on the way. He told me outright he had no intention of reading the Bible any more or going to fellowship and that he did not want to be the leader or head of our family.
I also realize this was around the time he was becoming more and more influential at his work…getting promotions and raises.
Being a wife is no longer a ‘job security’ position….my husband found ways to suit himself in all kinds of things with or without my knowledge .
In short …a lying bastard is pretty much how I see this situation in my own marriage since he sought out how to cheat and he did not have to look too far in today’s corporate environment. It is a cesspool of ‘how to cheat’ as I believe a recent movie which I did not have to see to know what was in it judging from the previews …and life experiences…..”Wolves of Wall St’ was probably a lot more fact that fiction as I now recall some of the things said to me at company events…and some of what I now know went on….
If anyone may doubt the way our times seem to be ‘as the days of Noah’ or ‘as in the days of Lot’ may I suggest some deeper study of the Word …it is both saddening and exciting when we know the eventual outcome for those who believe in Jesus Christ in truth.
Every person who cheats and lies about it KNOWS what they are doing is wrong….otherwise why hide it?
When every thought of someone’s mind has free reign to encourage acting upon any idea which comes from only one of two sources….if they are Christ’s then they are commanded to become equipped to govern their thoughts and thus their actions…if they are not they are getting their thoughts from the world, the flesh and the devil.
That we have been provided with the information and the power of the Holy Spirit because of what Christ has offered anyone who wills to seek and believe in Him by way of His Word ….then we all are accountable as to what we do with that information…how we respond to the invitation …and the information.
So there is no one with an excuse …save the truly mentally ill …but most cheaters …despite the ‘chemical changes’ of the mind by way of hormones….are responsible to avoid even getting those ‘chemicals ‘ going as they are told to avoid lusting after those who are NOT their WIVES….or HUSBANDS.
If you are not where you will be tempted to act …or not with those who you find tempting …then you will not be tempted …or at least you will have to deal with your thoughts before you act and end up in a mess.
My husband had all of the info he needed and what he did not know he had access to learn but he refused…because he wanted to set up situations to cheat …and he felt he had the right to this …now THAT would be where the mental ‘illness’ comes in….entitlement …flattery …and self esteem which idea came into our culture through a man who ‘channeled’ spirits…which is forbidden by GOD ….small wonder GOD forbids channeling, necromancy and seeking info from witches…..don’t believe me ….go search the scriptures for yourselves.
Pro 3:7 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.
Isa 1:16 Wash you, make you clean; put away the evil of your doings from before mine eyes; cease to do evil;
Psa 119:9 BETH. Wherewithal shall a young man cleanse his way? by taking heed thereto according to thy word.
Zaza,
The ploys of ‘normalizing’ deviancy, and changing people’s thinking by forcing new definitions of words on them are being used on an industrial scale. Thank you for sharing that about ‘bastards’. I learned a few things. I have not done a word study on ‘bastard’ before and it was enlightening. It reinforced many of my convictions in that area.
Some of the words being re-defined include ‘marriage’, ‘family’, bastard, bitch, affair, and sexual deviancy. The end product is that they all weaken the family structure, gender roles and mores regarding marriage. There is also the push to make the practice of putting family first into a pathology known as ‘familism’. The same strategies used to ‘normalize’ pathology is using the opposite on the family. They want to ‘pathologize’ healthy family-oriented behaviors and values.
Wow….so that brings to mind the way the scriptures speak of how the world will increase in the identifying that which is “evil ‘ as ‘good’ …nothing new under the sun …probably because the present spirit of the age is the LIAR …and he has a long experience in what fallen man’s vulnerabilities are …many of which human beings don’t know about themselves..
This is what I see as one of the great benefits and values of God’s Word…and thus the Word of GOD has been on the bulls-eye…not just the book …the Bible …but the attitude of man …
Man knows he lies and so he casts that same doubt upon the Word of God.
Isa 5:20 Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!
That is not good….one only needs to take some time to view what ‘WOE ‘ means when GOD speaks of it !
I would not want to be among those who are receiving that ‘judgment’
Those who love Jesus and realize HE has paid our debt in full …want to avoid sin…and
Deu 23:2 A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD.
Heb 12:6 For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth.
Heb 12:7 If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not?
I’d rather be one of His ‘sons’ …..smarts from time to time …but better than eternal “ouches!”