Shakespeare once posed the question, “What’s in a name?” He discovered that there are often many names for things, but the essence is the same. That truth also applies to your family and situation.
You can call adultery many names. You can call it infidelity, cheating, straying, sleeping around, ‘taking liberties’, getting a little on the side, checking things out, or a host of other names. Those names often soften the blow of the adultery, but the essence is still the same.
In a similar manner, you can call blended families by their many names, broken families, fragmented families, modern families or the new term “today’s families”. Although terms like modern family or today’s family sound more accepting and nice, they are nothing more than the old fashioned step-family with a nicer title.
It is believed that when you give it a nicer sounding title, it makes the idea more acceptable to you and the mainstream.
When it comes to affairs and fragmented families, although many cheaters work hard at making what they are doing more ‘mainstream’, it doesn’t change the essence of what they did or the situation you’re in.
There’s ALWAYS fallout when you sleep around. The more sleeping around, the more fallout. The nice labels mainstream it to where you do not feel like a ‘freak’ or that something is wrong, but the persons being deceived are yourself and the cheater.
When you tell yourself “It could happen to anybody” and “This is a common occurrence”, it softens the pain. It makes you not stand out so much. This also distracts you from the important issue of “What are you going to do about your situation?” What are you going to do about your family?
The nice, softer labels take some of the social stigma away from you, but it does nothing to resolve the issues. It takes away some pain, and serves as a window dressing.
The window dressing doesn’t change what’s happened, or its effects. The trust is still damaged, the communication is ruptured, and the issues of guilt and shame are still as ugly as ever.
Sadly, many in the ‘therapeutic community’ have fed into the idea that by changing the terms, you change the situation. By using smooth sounding words, you may leave the therapist office feeling better and more hopeful. Although you ‘feel’ better with the new label, nothing has changed, other than what you call it.
This word change razzle dazzle is the post-modern approach to old-fashioned adultery. The new approach to the old problem. It does not change the essence of what happened.
You were still betrayed. The cheater broke their wedding vows to you. You were deceived, and you are still going to have to deal with the fallout.
Calling yourself a ‘modern family’, or ‘today’s family’ or a blended family may leave you feeling like you still fit in, like nothing is wrong with you, and “this is a common occurrence”. Such terms homogenizes the experience. The smooth words and excuses don’t deal with issues like the guilt, shame, lying and secrecy.
Real problems need real solutions, not mere window dressing. Part of recovery involves ‘telling yourself the truth‘. Telling yourself the truth includes being honest about what your family structure is, what the cheater did, and what its effects are.
That means that “my cheating bastard of a husband can’t keep his privates in his pants” or “my bitch of a wife can’t stop spreading her legs open to anyone who comes along” are things you need to tell yourself instead of “we are a modern family, with modern problems”.
Best Regards,
Jeff
