The positive responses received on “Cleaning your head…”, told me that many of you are wanting further help in this area. You want to know how to get the cheater out of your head. The memories torment you like victims of the inquisition and you want them to stop.
Much like not knowing where to start in cleaning a dirty house, not knowing where to start cleaning your head makes it a daunting proposition.
The place to start is with forgiveness.
When you forgive, you make a conscious choice to “let go” of some things. One of the things you ‘let go’ of is the emotional payback or revenge toward the cheater.
It’s true that they deserve bad things to happen, but that’s what you need to let go of. That desire of seeing them hurt is actually hurting you. It’s often a struggle. Part of you wants to give them what they deserve.
You want to hurt them the way that they hurt you. The longer you hold onto the hurt, the greater the risk for that hurt turning to revenge. You want to get rid of it before it becomes revenge or resentment.
Forgiving or ‘letting go’ of the hurt is counter-intuitive during this time. You may wonder how ‘letting go’ of the hurt will help things.
When you let go, it amounts to you getting out of the way of the ‘karma express’ or ‘spiritual consequences’ that always follows affairs. The ‘payback’ always comes.
The choice you have is to either hold onto the hurt thinking that you are the agent of that payback, or letting go of it.
When you forgive, you do several things. You let go of the right for revenge. You make a conscious choice to not pick up the hurt/resentment again. You forgive the person NOT the act.
Adultery should never be forgiven, only the adulterer. For example, if Brian cheated on you, forgive Brian. You forgive the person. You see that the person made some bad choices. It requires that you separate who they are from what they did.
It’s when you hold onto the hurts that the memories hold onto you. Your mind remembers what you are clutching in your heart.
Forgiveness is also a process. That means that it occurs a little at a time. You may be able to forgive them some days, yet can not on other days. It also occurs gradually.
At first, you may only be able to forgive them a few moments at a time. Recall, it is about you seeing that they (the cheater) is lovable and has worth, NOT that they are perfect. At those moments, you can see them without the affair obscuring your sight.
Forgiveness is not a one-shot phenomena (Only God can deliver one shot forgiveness). Since you keep picking up the hurt, you will have to keep choosing to let go of it. As the forgiveness process continues, it changes your way of looking at what’s going on.
The forgiveness process is akin to a series of relationship building blocks used in building a new relationship.
More is to come on this topic, such as changing meanings, overcoming fear, limiting the obsessive thoughts, etc.
If you need further help with forgiveness or don’t know how it’s done, you’ll want the video, “Forgiveness: Stop the Pain, Tear down the Walls and Remove the Roadblocks“.
The video guides you through how to do it. Letting go starts many positive changes in your life. When your tired of the pain, walls and roadblocks, it’s time for forgiveness.
Best Regards,
Jeff
