Have you ever considered the question “Just how selfish is an affair?” It is not a question many of you have considered. Initially the answer to the question depends on whether you are the cheater or the one who was cheated on.
Perspective is indeed a factor to consider. When something is done to you, the degree of selfishness will be seen as greater. When you are the one doing it, you will likely downplay the amount of selfishness if you acknowledge it at all.
One of the dangers of an affair is that is distorts your perspective, whether you were the cheater or the one cheated on. You are emotionally involved. When you are emotionally involved, your perspective will be distorted. The distortion may be short-term or long-term. Some people’s distorted perception is temporary, while for others it is a life changing event that they never recover from. When it is life changing, your perspective is changed from then on.
Although the cheater may downplay their selfishness, and dismiss your accusations against them with comments like “You make me sound like a monster”. The truth is, when an affair happens, it begins a transformation process that begins morphing you into a monster. The new connections in your brain change you. It changes your thinking, your perspective and your emotions.
I am reminded of the old Japanese monster movies like Godzilla. Many times these wild imaginative creatures, known as ‘kaiju’ began life small and were morphed into a monstrosity. Some were benevolent and some were malevolent. Most also contained some ‘element of natural forces’ as well. In a similar manner, affairs change you. They can make you better or worse. They can amplify your emotions and your reactions. They alter your thinking. There may also be some ‘forces of nature’ at work as well, although the bottom line is that “you have changed”.
Selfishness is part of the changes that happen. Both spouses will have to deal with their selfishness in moving past the affair. Although it would be easy to say that it was all the cheaters fault, that is not actually the case. If it was all their fault, they would have all the power to change things. Whether or not improvement happens in your marriage would be all on them. Although you may blame them, they did not have all the power. You may not be aware of your power in your marriage, but that does not mean you have none.
Selfishness with its change in perception also changes how you view your power and how it is displayed. If you deal with the affair early, many of the issues are easier to handle. The longer you wait, the bigger the monster you will have to deal with. The kaiju in your marriage will eventually have to be faced.
With selfishness, the more you have, the more you want. It is like the kaiju seeking a power source. In this case, it is more selfishness. You may even change friends so that you will be surrounded by those who feed your selfishness.
You can start reversing the process by asking yourself and your spouse “just how selfish was the affair?” and then listen to their answer. Being able to hear them out will start reversing the monster making in your marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
