As you go through the recovery from your spouse’s cheating, you will see changes. On seeing these changes, you may wonder “Is if for real?” “Are they really changing?”. When there are changes you may wonder how long they will last or what the changes are due to.
In dealing with the question as to whether or not the changes are real, I look for changes in thinking and changes in behavior. Real change will involve both. Changes in one without the other amounts to a manipulation. They may be telling you what you want to hear or merely changing their behavior until you settle down and then they will go back to the ‘way it was’.
When they make changes in thinking, they will change the direction they are going. Even if it takes them a while it is better to have them going in the right direction than to have a lot of activity but going in the wrong direction. Some couples often mistake activity for significant change. Significant change is when thinking, behaviors AND emotions change all in the same direction. I also consider it significant when the cheater has given up something or paid a price in making the change. When they make a sacrifice or pay a price, then they have ‘owned’ the change. Since talk is cheap, they will say a lot. When they have paid a price for something, it is truly theirs, and they have owned the action.
For example, Do they talk about what they are willing to do, or have they taken action on it? Have they purchased and read material that will improve your marriage? Even if you both do not agree on the material, it gives you something to discuss. While we are on that topic, have you taken action by ordering “Surviving Your Partner’s Affair?” If you haven’t you need to quit talking and take action.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
