Have you ever experienced an almost affair? I have seen how easily they can happen, and how things can quickly spin out of control.
In my case, back when I was single, an incident occurred that scared me in terms of how easy an affair can happen. I had developed a nice working relationship with an associate on the North side of Houston. Whenever we talked on the phone, it was pleasant and jovial to the point that I actually looked forward to any interaction with her company.
That pleasantness and friendliness led to me asking her out for a date. When she accepted without hesitation, it was wonderful news.
When the day came for the date, I picked her up and was pleasantly surprised. She was as pleasant in person as she was on the phone. She was also very attractive, which added icing to an already enjoyable evening.
The conversation continued flowing through the evening, as we discovered areas of common interests and enjoyed some laughs. I thought to myself, “this is a better first date than I could have ever imagined”.
When we returned to her apartment, we sat down to relax. It was then that she informed me that she was married. I must have immediately tensed up on hearing the news. Going out with a married woman was not something I had intended at all. I had made it a point to avoid women who are married and women with children back in those days.
Then, in an awkward attempt at comforting my sudden tension, she reassured me that he would not be a problem, since he was in prison. At that point, my spidey senses were telling me, get out—–FAST!. It was bad enough that she was married, it was even worse that her husband was in prison. Visions of a murderer stalking me for going out with his wife filled my brain. At that point, I could identify with Joseph fleeing for his life from Potipher’s wife.
I hightailed it out of her apartment as soon as I could with the windows of my 68 chevy rolled down. I needed all the fresh air I could get after that. I never went out with her again, not that she was unpleasant, I just feared for my life along with what may have happened. I was also shocked at how easy things could have happened.
That episode showed me how easy an affair could have happened. The person cheating may not have revealed their marital status to you, until it was too late. They wait until you are emotionally engaged, then SURPRISE! It gets sprung on you.
Your spouse may have also been either lured into a situation or lured someone into it. The lover may not have evil intent. They may have found themselves trapped. You will want to address how the topic of the cheater being married came up, and when it came up.
This was my ‘Almost Affair’.
When many of the other ‘affair experts’ have had affairs or been cheated on, I have often had questions about that. In my mind, I saw how easily things could have spun out of control. I saw all the potential fun, yet also saw all the potential dangers. I also saw how easily I could have compromised my morals for the wife of a felon. It was not a trade I was willing to make.
When you are hurting, or dealing with an affair situations, it makes more sense for you to seek out someone who managed escaping affair situations rather than someone who cheated or was cheated on.
I understand how they may have some insights on recovery from their own personal experience, yet for my marriage, I want to avoid falling into any trap in the first place. That is what you will find in the Affair Recovery Workshop along with all the tools you need to get your head back on straight and opening up the lines of communication in your marriage. I believe that you and your spouse want to save your marriage. You just need the right tools used in the right sequence that turn your relationship around.
When an affair or an almost affair has your marriage headed in a direction that you do not want to go, you can turn it around. An affair does not have to mean the end of your marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeff
6 Responses
Thank God for your having the integrity to run….or as scripture says “flee fornication”
Some do not realize even the thought of sin is to be rooted out
Daydreams built on the well sold fantasy of the “”one” out there somewhere who is just so “right” for you..especially when young and hopeful of a wonderful life….no diss to the movie of the same name…if only!
But today in May ways people never seem to mature beyond the state of the hopeful youth in search of the dream that Hollywood and such promise where no work or sacrifice is needed…and no honesty !
For some of us who still believe in honesty that is difficult to finally get the point that not everyone is like that
I warned my husband that just because he was leaving to have his “private separate life” because he had to “figure it out” did not mean he should engage other women in dating which leads to emotional and eventual sexual activity
He ignored me
He lied to a woman he decided to pursue to date…..who no doubt met the children of his adultery and believed his lie that he was divorced
He owned up to this after my children and I saw him with her….and that she thought he was divorced…and that he would have to a “discussion ” not only to own up to her…but to somehow explain to our adult children
He assumes that a conversation will make it OK
He seems to think if he can explain his “reasons” for lying…living as a liar..that will fix everyone’s attitude about this win
I don’t know if he ever came clean with the woman…if he really did and told her that the children she met were the result of a long term duplicitous double life with a woman who cheated with him on the WIFE he still has and the children of a lengthy marriage and if she still engages with him “dating”….along with the STD he carries…then she is a fool and more of an accomplice to more pain and suffering and will no doubt become more deeply ruined
This is not love
And indeed as your situation. Pointed out…it’s DANGEROUS
We are living in the age of people whose minds have become so dark they have no common sense nor decently!
Save the whales…abort children
Save the Gorilla….never mind the child in his undiscriminating animal grip!
NUTS!😩😡😱
Zaza,
The world indeed has some schizophrenic values. They are not consistent or logical. Instead, they are fragmented and partial. I could easily fill some pages with a rant from my soapbox on such issues. When it comes to affairs, there is the cry to “protect my privacy”, by the same people that are lying to their spouses about an affair. There is also the talk about how “Family is important” by those whose actions have actually weakened, if not destroyed their own families.
Those are some of the ones I encounter in dealing with affairs.
Jeff
Just an example of how some people have character while others do not. People who have affairs lack morals and most importantly character. They are self centered and only concerned about what they want. Pretty pathetic creatures once you realize this.
David,
Thank you for writing. There is definitely a self-centeredness in the act of cheating. What I am not sure of is whether it is an episodic self-centerdness or whether it is a way of life for those who cheat. It is true that they made a bad choice. For some it is almost like a temporary madness, which many people could fall prey to if conditions were right. For some cheaters though, it is the way they live.
I believe that people can turn around, yet with some, it takes a lot of effort.
Jeff
I believe the fog or temporary madness is just an excuse. Why does one fall prey to the fog while the other does not? All marriages have bad moments and temptation is all around. I go back to a total lack of character. The cheater has none and steps out and during that time creating havoc and destroying everything. The victim, having same marital issues, stays faithful. In fact, during the destruction, the victim has more and more reason to step out! But choses not to because there are vows and covenants involve. Character plain and simple.
David,
Thank you for your response. You ask an important question, “Why does one fall prey to the fog while the other does not?” The simple answer is ‘character’. In my mind, what is often termed as ‘character’ is a compilation of ego strength (impulse control), moral fiber, spiritual development, maturity and commitment. The more precise, yet complicated answer to your question is that some people are not as well put together in terms of their parts (components of character) than others. In different situations, I have seen one component or another of those components fail to work properly which results in cheating.
I often wish that one simple answer addresses all cheating situations. Although many of them may go back to simple answers. My own experiences have exposed me to some situations where there was more to it.
Your situation may well have been one where the answer is ‘Bad Character, plain and simple’. Some affairs are like that.
I do agree that cheaters often create havoc and destruction with their choices. In a loose paraphrase of one of Freud’s observations: “Anytime you take sexual activity outside of the parameters it was designed to operate within, it becomes destructive.” (It is no wonder that many modernists, including those in many churches do not like his observations. They want sexual freedom without the accountability that it was designed for). Although some of his ideas I have issues with, on this one, his observation is spot on. In terms of how this fits your situation, when the power of sex is unleashed outside of marriage, it creates havoc and becomes a destructive force. Rather than joining people together, it begins tearing things apart. Some of the destruction comes from within the cheater, some from within their spouse, some from the lover. Like King Midas’ story, everything touched by the affair is changed.
I agree that vows and covenants are important. Many people these days do not understand or respect the importance of vows and covenants. It is hard for people to abide by them, when they do not understand what they are doing, or the ramifications of violating it. Broken vows have generational ramifications.
My intention is not to make excuses for cheating. The cheater and resolute spouse each need accountability. I have learned that each marriage situation is different and what is driving the cheating behavior varies. I also believe that marriages can be healed and restored. I believe that the bad choice made with the affair does not doom the cheater to always being a bad person from then on. I believe that people can change, that there can be healing. Not everyone wants it, but it is possible. There is hope for change. Healing is possible.
Yes, bad character often drives cheating, and people can rise above those choices they made.
You make some strong arguments for your position.
Best Regards,
Jeff