Whenever there’s a crisis in a fragmented family, loyalty questions come up. When that crisis is an affair, there will be loyalty issues. Those loyalty issues, you either ignored or hoped had died down will arise again.
The various members of the fragmented family chose whose side they are on. Affairs bring up loyalty issues anyway.
When the affair is in a fragmented family, you have to deal with the loyalty concerns on two levels. There is the loyalty associated with morality based issues, such as which side is viewed as right and which one is viewed as ‘wrong’. Add to that the fragmented family dynamics which often fracture along family lines.
All the loyalties and bonds that were left hanging from the broken families come back. If there were any unsettled loyalty questions, they return.
Take Ashley and John. Each of them left what they considered ‘bad marriages’. They each brought their children into their ‘new’ family. They thought that their children would be relieved at leaving the drama of their previous families behind.
When Ashley cheated and it was discovered, the whole house went into chaos. Ashley’s children took her side, and John’s children took his.
Ashley’s children didn’t want to loose their mother. They had already lost their father and the thought of loosing their mother as well was terrifying to them. Even talking about such uncomfortable feelings was something they did not want to do.
Ashley’s children had been through the whole court room drama scene. There, they found themselves dealing with ugly things. They didn’t like court, or talking about things that upset them. It was easier to run from them, than to talk about them.
Since John’s children viewed Ashley as ‘wrong’, they started disobeying her. At first it was in little ways, but the defiance grew larger and bolder.
Ashley found herself frustrated at having to ‘prove’ she was a good parent and had their best interest at heart, but with their defiance and occasional cutting remarks, she was at wit’s end in dealing with the situation.
John struggled with the twistedness of his situation. His children were defiant of Ashley. Since he was angry at her himself, it was hard intervening.
He viewed himself as a ‘good man’ and this whole situation was topsy-turvey. Ashley’s children obeyed, yet took their mom’s side in matters when he disagreed with her. John considered everything twisted in that his kids were morally right, but behaviorally defiant, while Ashley’s were behaviorally cooperative, yet morally off base.
John struggled with whether to consider the ‘obedience of the children’ as the issue or how they were morally viewing and reacting Ashley’s affair as the issue. This problem often kept him awake at nights. He did not see a clear way to handle the situation. At time he felt like everything was going ‘nuts’, with all the twists and turns to the situation.
He loved Ashley, but this whole situation forced him to face situations he never imagined. It was no wonder that the kids were misbehaving, since they were trying to make sense out of the situation as well.
When the fragmented family members have a traumatic family history, there could even be a third level of loyalty that has to be resolved. That third level concerns any past hurts or rejections that may have been left unresloved.
Since loyalty issues are often driven more by emotion than logic, they may not make sense to you. The members having trouble adjusting may have fears of abandonment or rejection.
The emotions related to those fears may override moral concerns. This means that although you may be on the higher moral ground, it does not automatically mean that the members of the family will support you or agree with you.
In a fragmented family, you can not assume loyalties. You will have to connect with each member of the family. This requires effort. You will have to reach out, instead of assuming that the family will rally and come to your aid based on what happened to you. In a fragmented family, they may not.
Best Regards,
Jeff
