Another one of the surprise findings, you may find of interest in the Affair Recovery Index (ARI) concerns the importance of families. 99% of you responding indicated that marriage and family are important to you.
This isn’t the surprise. When you care about your marriage and family, you do what you can to protect and preserve it.
The surprise was the number of the cheaters who viewed marriage and family as being important. In 84% of the cases, marriage and family were important to them. On one hand this is indicative of some hope for the marriage. When I first saw these results, I was encouraged.
On closer scrutiny, there was something about the high number of cheaters that valued their marriage and family. It occurred to me that having that value did not keep them from cheating.
Just because a man or woman values marriage and family it does not mean they will not cheat. Those values did not stop them from cheating in the first place.
There is a disconnect between values and actions when it comes to cheaters. What they say and what they do are two different things, which you know from experience. It is not just misdirecting you.
One possible way to view this is that in a majority of situations what a persons values are do not deter them from having an affair. They may have the right values, but make wrong choices.
A second possibility is that many cheaters want to “have their cake and eat it too”. They want marriage and family while at the same time wanting the affair. For many of them, they did have their cake and ate if for a while. They lived in two separate worlds.
What this means for you, is that you have to really ‘know’ your spouse, not just their values. You need to know what values they live, not just those they express a preference for.
Because affairs are even more destructive in blended families, if you discover one, immediate action is needed. The Affair Recovery Workshop guides you through the communication, self-care, rekindling intimacy, family patterns and working around defense mechanisms.
Best Regards,
Jeff
