There are times I consider what people write to me for days. A recent post by a hardcore swinger had me thinking through his posts.
Something bothered me about what he wrote, although I wasn’t able to clearly identify what it was at the time. It was only after a couple of days of praying and thinking on it that it occurred to me what was so bothersome.
I considered his statements like “the primary thing that drives me is maximizing my pleasure”, ” Safe sex is of the most utmost importance to me, as is being in perfect physical, emotional, and psychological health” and “ the best way to approach my life is to truly discover what I want/need/desire, and to act on those things, since the only want to find out what you truly actually end up liking, is to experience said thing, and then decide if it is worth pursuing or not”.
It occurred to me that he has plenty of sex, but I hear nothing about love, connection, caring for others, putting others interests ahead of his own or commitment. The focus was on what he was getting out of relationships rather than him expressing love for others.
When it occurred to me that what was missing was love, the line from the Tina Turner song “What’s love got to do with it?” went off in my head. Love is what’s missing from such a life.
There were plenty expressions about achievement, and gratifying his desire, but nothing about love. When your relationships are missing love, you are missing out on an important part of marriage.
When your marriage is missing love, it changes you and what you are looking for. There are many substitutes for love, including affairs, yet they end up leaving a gaping emptiness in your life.
Remember that affairs are the cheater’s solution to some problem in their life. They are looking for something that is missing. In desperation, cheating looks like an acceptable substitution.
Once again, what’s missing is “love”.
If your marriage is missing love, it’s likely missing the emotional safety needed in order to even talk about love as well. If the two of you don’t feel safe talking honestly and openly about love, there’s not much room for it.
In the “Affair Recovery Workshop“, one of the topics covered after you get past the initial crisis are ways of establishing the kind of emotional safety to where the two of you can discuss what each of you need in your marriage.
Without love, your marriage may just be the two of you going through the motions of married life.
Best Regards,
Jeff
