One phrase I often hear is some variation of ‘all married couples have their disagreements’. Typically I hear it when one person feels uncomfortable about them being in a recent argument with their spouse.
After saying something snarky to their spouse, and they are met with disapproving looks. The person, caught in the act sheepishly says some variation of “all married couples have their disagreements.”
The way some couples carry on, there I times I believe they could go professional when it comes to arguments. Being good at arguing doesn’t mean that you’re a good communicator by any means.
You may be good at lashing out and name calling or making others feel miserable, but that doesn’t make you a good communicator. Having a colorful vocabulary doesn’t make you a good communicator either.
If the two of you were arguing before the affair, it’s unlikely that in recovering from the affair that the arguing will suddenly go away. The two of you will still need some skill and ability in problem-resolution along with changing the marriage environment.
By changing your marriage environment, I’m referring to changing the relationship and culture the two of you have created. Making up after a fight is not the same thing as making changes to your marriage.
One way of reducing conflicts in a marriage with a history of them is by changing your marital culture. This includes changes how the two of you have always done things.
It could be that doing it the ‘way you’ve always done it’ is likely a big part of the pattern of problems.
When your spouse is back home, some serious changes are needed. Making serious changes requires both of you working together. Serious changes require looking at problems and solutions from multiple perspectives.
It also helps knowing what areas need changes. Removing the cheater from high risk situations and reducing triggers is a good start, but you need more than that.
Recovery from the affair means that the two of you will be creating a marriage with new rules and expectations rather than just carrying over the ones from the previous way the two of you did things.
In my video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions“, I address ways of changing how the two of you interact with each other. This way the two of you can make changes rather than just make up.
You can download the video by clicking the link and be start improving the connection between you and your spouse within minutes. Download your copy now.
It also helps save time and hassle when you know where changes are needed. You know where your pain points are, yet those may not necessarily be where change is needed.
The video guides you regarding what areas produce the biggest results.
When you take your car to the mechanic, you want the source of the problem fixed, rather than just the symptoms of the problem. Removing the squeaks and rattles is not the same thing as replacing the part that needs replacement.
There are ways of getting your marriage back to where the two of you actually connect and make improvements to your marriage together.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
