Typically, you find blended families are often one of the results of affairs. Not all blended families are the result of affairs, although enough are to be of concern. A reader recently asked about the impact of an affair on a blended family.
First, I think that the term fragmented family is a better description than the term ‘blended’. Having grown up in one, experience has shown me that in response to the question “Will it blend?”, the answer is a toss-up.
Some couples are able to blend, yet many families never fully blend into a cohesive whole and retain their fragmented parts. These fragmented parts often have fault lines. Any event that touches on loyalty or loss issues can trigger the ‘fault lines’ which bring many emotional quakes.
When it comes to affairs and fragmented families, you also have to consider whether the fragmented family was created out of an affair situation or whether a member of the fragmented family is having an affair. Both scenarios are destructive.
The re-damage fragile loyalty and trust areas within the family. Since trust is a sensitive issues in fragmented families, a trust-destroying affair will have repercussions.
You may have thought that you and the lover could make a family together. That family will always have the stigma of the affair hanging over their head. Each family member views the triggering affair differently and those views change over time.
It’s harder predicting the effect of affairs on a blended family. There are so many variables, you can’t foresee all the dangers.
Part of the reason for this is that changes or threats remind the members of your family of their losses and hurts. Since the blended family is born out of loss, it is an ever present issue.
Affairs remind you and the other members of the family of their losses all over again. With an affair, there is a loss of security and safety. There is also damage done to loyalty and identity. The family is already struggling with identity issues, and an affair is toxic to identity security.
The reason an affair is so damaging is that it is a rejection of the spouse and family. In all likelihood, they are familiar with rejection, and hyper-sensitive to even perceived rejection. This hyper-sensitivity to rejection often picks up on issues, even before they are ‘out in the open’.
Affairs send shock waves through the blended family, even across generations. The blended family is trying to glue things together and the affair comes along and works like an acid, eating away at the bonds and connections within the family. Some affairs work faster than others at damaging the foundations of the family.
The family can recover, although it takes dedication, commitment and hard work. Many issues will have to be addressed, including trust, loyalty, security, honesty, and commitment. Each family member will need to work through these issues.
With a blended family, you have the added dimension of having to sort out the effects of the affair from the losses that led to the blended family. Since hurt has a way of bleeding over into other areas, there is often a blurring of the painful hurts.
To put is simply, it’s never a smart move to tease a wounded animal. In a similar vein, having an affair when you are in a fragmented family situation is akin to teasing a wounded animal, where you are likely to experience reactions that you were not expecting.
Best Regards,
Jeff
