Are there times you have found yourself being caught up with the question “Why didn’t I see this coming?” when it comes to the affair? You may have spent hours replaying events in your head searching for answers to this question.
It could be that the answer to that question is closer than you think. The answer may be in front of you, yet you’ve never considered it before. One reason for not seeing the answer is that you have some preset notions that keep you locked into a way of thinking that keeps you from seeing the answer to your question.
Let me share an intervention that I have found helpful in your situation. The intervention is for you to pull up or pull out old photos of you and your spouse. Although you have seen them many times, I want to challenge you to examine them from a new perspective.
Rather than viewing them in terms of the time you were in Cancun or at the Grand Canyon or on your honeymoon, look at them in a new light.
This time look at them in terms of what is actually there rather than reading into them your own biases. Look at them in terms of who is in the photos. How many photos are of you and your spouse just with each other?
In those photos, what are the expressions on your faces? Were the two of you leaning into each other or pulling away from each other? Were you the focus or was someone else the focus of the photos?
Issues are often identifiable in photos long before they emerge on a larger scale. You can see distancing long before break-ups occur. Those photos captured moments in time without filtering or censoring. In those images you see non-verbal messages that were clues that you didn’t see.
Those photos are the public image that the world sees. Look at the space between the two of you. There may be clues from the past leading up to the situation you are now facing.
Once you look at the photos from a new perspective, you can start seeing when the issues began along with how they progressed. This would be a good time to consider the video “Hurting People and Healing Questions” to open up a new level of conversation between the two of you. Talking about what you learned at a deeper level will give your relationship a new way of interacting with each other.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
