As shocking as it may sound to you, some cheaters don’t know that what they are doing is wrong. Most cheaters do know what they are doing is wrong, but not all of them.
If you’re married to one that doesn’t know that cheating is wrong, it’s a rude awakening for you. You may wonder “How can this be?” Some cheaters were never taught about self-control or commitment.
They see nothing wrong with ‘getting a little on the side‘. They view sex as as natural as ‘eating’.
The problem is their idea of natural is that you often pick and choose which restaurant to eat at based on flavor and experience. Sex is natural, yet sleeping with whoever you choose even though you are married is NOT natural.
In their mind, it is no big deal to sleep with someone if you find them attractive to you. They do it without a bit of pain from their conscience. They don’t know any better.
When spouses are unchurched or raised without a moral tradition, sleeping around is no big deal to them. When they come from a family where the institution of marriage is regarded as a mere social contract, then cheating amounts to nothing more than finding a loophole in the contract.
If you’re dealing with a spouse who doesn’t know any better, you’ll want to approach the issue of cheating as a matter of ‘stealing’. Most people understand the basic wrongness of stealing.
You’ll have to put the cheating in terms of them stealing what doesn’t belong to them or they’re entitled to. Although most should understand about stealing, some spouses do not, especially if they have a ‘if you want it, take it’ attitude.
You may be making a mistake in assuming that just because you view cheating as wrong, that your spouse does as well. They may not.
When you have one moral system and they operate under a different one, it will be hard to find common ground. So before you confront them on the ‘wrongness’ of their cheating, you may want to find out if they know any better in the first place.
One reason children are dealt with differently than adults is that they do not know any better. Although your spouse may be an adult on the outside, they may be like a child on the inside who does not know the difference between right and wrong when it comes to cheating.
(ed.-I know that in the great majority of situations, the cheater does know better. In realizing that there is a segment of the population that does not, I debated whether or not to address the issue in the blog. After some debate, the decision was made that it needed to be addressed here on the blog.)
If you need help recovering from the affair, the “Affair Recovery Workshop” gets you started on that journey.
Best Regards,
Jeff
5 Responses
Well this is really difficult to imagine…..This is NOT the case with our situation ..we had a LENGTHY discussion before getting married about this …not to mention the Bible teaches it is destructive , sinful and wrong…so my husband had no such excuse ..and it is hard to imagine short of shutting off one’s conscience that this is anyway the truth ….
I believe if they KNOW enough to hide it ..then they do know enough that it is WRONG.
Although difficult to imagine, I felt the need to address the topic, since the readership is international, along with the growing numbers of unchurched in society. It hit me that it is a big assumption on my part, presuming that all cheaters know better. Some of the readers who communicated to me privately were not aware that cheating was wrong. They did not feel ‘right’ about it, but had not considered it ‘wrong’. For them, it was a form of ‘specialized’ recreation.
It was wise of you to discuss such matters with your spouse before marriage. many couples do not attain some basic understandings, which often leads to many heartaches. Your wisdom continues to amaze me. I wish your husband would see your true value.
I have a different take on this discussion. Â While I would agree that it appears by their secretive actions regarding their affair that they surely must know what they are doing is wrong, I cannot conclude they are unworthy of …another chance?…my understanding that someone else also isn’t perfect? Â I’m not sure if I could actually live with someone who was perfect. Â Surely all my flaws and weaknesses would be magnified in comparison. Â How could I ever hope to equal such excellence? Â I think I would always feel that I lacked something vitally intrinsic.
As you addressed, Jeff, not all cultures are the same.  I have often speculated why I was born in this great land of opportunity instead of some land where my gender is oppressed and degraded.  There  is a real danger in believing that you (universal you) have all the answers.  IMO, it stops you from growing and learning.  I would hate to think I was given a golden opportunity to grow in wisdom and compassion and chose instead to be ‘right’.  I strive to be the best human being I can be given my foibles, my cultural experience, my understanding that God loves me and also my husband.  I don’t think it is my place to judge another soul’s journey.  I have to trust that God knows what is best and that maybe I don’t have the whole picture.  I could be totally wrong, but I’m still going to put my faith in the goodness and mercy of God.
Though I know that the culture and society may have altered and suppressed the conscience of seeming more and more people, down through time God the Creator has insisted that deep down a person DOES know when their behavior is harmful to others.
Some form of the Golden Rule which is based upon personal experience of most humans is one measuring of what anyone would want to expect for their own protection if not their own lust.
My own husband’s sensitivities were alive and well in that when discovered he insisted he could not just ‘kick her to the curb’ YET he was able to do that to me.
The mind of mankind is defiled from the get go ..despite the Humanist manifesto and every variety man has come up with to deny GOD and the wisdom that is innate.
I wonder if those who have contacted you to offer this as their reason for doing what they did …would deny that something done to them would not be such a big deal …and would be willing to allow that if DESIRE is the measure of right and wrong then they would have to allow that, say any theif entering their home is justified to take whatever they want. OR a murder has excuse for murdering someone if he just feels a bit uneasy about it but goes ahead with it anyway.
Corporate defiance of the law does not mean that the law is not a good one especially if it is based upon the moral grounds of protecting life and boundaries which promote life.
The proclamation that in our USA …”Life , liberty and the pursuit of happiness’ is the law of the land is actually not what the original phrase expressed as the beneficial intent to protect citizens.
I read one article that put this forth that originally it was to be ‘Life , liberty and PROPERTY” …without which any one of these the life of an individual could not be sustained….as it was seen that private property would provide the means to support life…and liberty to own and work the land would also be basic to sustaining life.
Sinful pursuits at the loss to anyone else is pretty much a simple law of life as any toddler KNOWS that if someone TAKES what belongs to them it is WRONG.
Roman’s 1 was not giving man anything new to consider but reconfirming that when God formed, made and created man in His own image , man was given an inate knowledge of what is good and right and the Fall despite it’s corrupting effect did not relieve man entirely of knowing what is right …but in the corrupted state of mind his lustful desires would need to be educated and reined by the knowledge that man’s purpose is to please God and to beneficially express and demonstrate the goodness of GOD as GOD is all that is good.
In running to use others for carnal pleasures and gain man is subjected to deceit which GOD tells us is found in the fallen heart of man and is prone to rationalize to the extent of ‘reprobate ‘ state …
I think it is interesting that even with the knowledge of impending death man may STILL insist upon doing harmful things as long as he can anticipate pleasure …somehow ‘God is love’ has caused many to destroy themselves because they don’t want to learn what GOD’S definition of love entails.
In other-words ” You can run but you can’t hide’ ….pretty much may sum up the ongoing effort of man to erase the depth of his own created purpose and image …
I think that for me …experiencing the emptiness of the life lived for self for any length of time be it my own youthful dalliances or observing other’s lemming like pursuit of ‘happiness’ …for example the ‘trends’ that society goes through as the masses go on trying to ‘find happiness’ in the latest thing …be it college beer fests….community festivals of all kinds ….drugs…sexual license….all kinds of ‘good times ‘ and what is ‘in ‘ presently soon pass on to something “NEW” which often times is simply something OLD which offers a short but more intense escape from reality through altered states.
There is NO denying the conscience….it is still one of the things GOD reveals in His word and people experience the struggle to suppress that GOD will call all to account …even those who say they “did not know it was wrong’
Once a person reaches the age where they make deliberate choices they are accountable to seek out how to live without violating others…traditions and cultural mores are no help in the day of judgment or in the community where people are effected by others.
Just because you can is not a good ‘measure’ ….it does not mean you should.
Most people would have to agree. Being the perp may seem fun and powerful but soon the worm will turn.
Sadly in today’s corrupt forms of ‘justice’ often times the criminals get more sympathy than their victims!
Thanks to the impact of men who have brought us Evolution, Psychology and Humanism, but then that is another topic for another day.
Thanks Jeff …Keep on bringing the real deal to the suffering world.
Jhn 7:24
Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.
Jhn 12:48
He that rejecteth me, and receiveth not my words, hath one that judgeth him: the word that I have spoken, the same shall judge him in the last day.
Indeed GOD is the final judge …but according to the above man is called into account to GOD and thus it is God’s view that man is accountable to KNOW what GOD has given for every person to know .
Not all may have a Bible …but in Roman’s it is set forth that