There are many misunderstandings about forgiveness when it comes to affairs. One of the BIG misunderstandings is the myth, “When you forgive, you give up the rights to ever bring up the affair again”.
Some cheaters assume that when they’ve been forgiven, that the subject is CLOSED. This is a problem on many levels.
First, forgiveness like the kind involved in affairs, is not a one time thing. This kind of forgiveness is a process. It takes time. Treating forgiveness like it’s a ‘once and done phenomena’ shows a lack of understanding as to what forgiveness is.
In such cases, those not allowing you to bring it up have turned forgiveness into another form of control. Forgiveness breaks down walls rather than build them.
The kind of forgiveness needed with affairs occurs a little at a time. The decision to forgive may have happened at one particular moment, but the process happens a little at a time. It’s gradual. This is because an act of the will is needed to start the forgiveness process.
Secondly, the hurt is so painful and deep, it needs to be done gradually.
Thirdly, since with forgiveness you are dealing with mental and emotional issues, it takes time for your brain to re-wire.
Once the decision or act of the will happens, then the details have to be worked out. The affair needs to be talked about. The details have to be worked through.
When the cheater closes off, the issues don’t get resolved and you are left with hurt that continues compounding.
Forgiveness is NOT closure. It helps with closure, but they are NOT the same thing. When the cheater views forgiveness as closure and you view it as forgiving, the two of you are at cross purposes.
Forgiveness is designed to start the healing process, not be a STOP sign to the healing process. When you forgive, you do not surrender the right to ever bring up the issue again.
You may have given up the right to punish the cheater for what you forgave, but not the right to bring up your feelings, or your disappointments or your fears that it may happen again.
When the conversation with the cheater turns into what can and can not be brought up, your conversation has become a legal debate, not a discussion between spouses.
Unless the two of you are lawyers or judges, such a discussion is not what your marriage was designed for. Your marriage was not designed to be a ‘courtroom’ for such matters.
The many misunderstandings and lack of knowledge about forgiveness is why I put together my video on the topic. I’ve selected the best material and techniques on the topic and put them together for you.
The video, “Forgiveness: Stop the Pain, Tear down the Walls and Remove the Roadblocks” takes you through a lasting forgiveness that brings healing.
Incomplete or confused forgiveness amounts to unforgiveness. Rather than using trial and error in stumbling your way through forgiveness, you can know exactly what to do, how to do it, when to do it and MORE.
Start turning things around today. Click the link, fill out the form and begin that new start correctly.
Best Regards,
Jeff
3 Responses
I appreciated this post a lot .
Sometimes it is the betrayed that begins to feel guilty for the kinds of feelings that come up from time to time …even now over 8 years after D DAY …I have to forgive …seventy times seven ….which I see is why it is stated that way in scripture. Triggers still DO occur even though my life is going along pretty well most of the time.
With the departure of my husband and his only involvement being with our daughters who are grown but have pretty much now felt relegated to caring for me and though talented , intelligent and attractive they are not moving ‘on’ in terms of their own adult lives.
The Scriptures have been our stay and guide for our lives despite my husband opting out of that part of our family life …and as he entered into his private secret double life …he really cut himself off from the kinds of true involvement which would have grown his own development along with securing and making a true impact upon our children.
Forgiving when I take a walk and happen to walk past a home where a while ago the man of that home remarked he was doing landscaping for his home because they planned to live there for about ten years and when their children were grown they would move on into their retirement years ….This memory of his words recalled to me the time I learned of my husband’s plan to NEVER retire….not that he had honored me with this information or involved me in any kind of plan for the future. I had taken this in ‘stride” in those days when I believed he had love for me and would want to enjoy life together once his career efforts calmed down and we had more time to do some things we both could enjoy.
This is just a recent random trigger that reminded me of how disfunctional our ‘normal happy marriage’ fell so far below the way many married couples lived as a COUPLE in this one important aspect.
I kept forgiving, understanding and stepping aside so he could do what he ‘needed to do for his family;’ as what I was taught was a man’s way of showing love for his family.
Since learning more about the biblical model which the Creator of marriage intended…my respecting my husband by honoring his desire for privacy was NOT the will of GOD and not healthy for our marriage. Still nothing I could say or do would make and impact upon my husband. I now see that his selfish ‘streak’ and his ‘immaturity’ was not a temporary phase that would improve as time went by but it was his character and personal entitlement to his own ‘right’ to view everyone in his life as the priority with ‘equal rights” …except his wife and family.
Whenever a birthday or holiday would come up I thought his ‘allowing’ that I should be the shopper and purchaser of gifts was because he was being generous …since I enjoyed shopping …and thinking of how to do special things and he did not have time or really enjoy it so much.
He told me it was the same with the OW when the children he had with her had birthdays or holiday …..He provided the money but did not personally purchase the gifts…His only input was that everyone had to have the same amount of money spent upon their gifts….or the same number of gifts under the tree…
I wonder what this kind of ‘equality’ meant to him. After a while I felt his disconnect from the process and activity of buying or thinking of what to get was a shallow and impersonal effort …I even observed what seemed that he had more thought and effort into plans for those who he wanted to remember or honor in his workplace…the party planning was designated to someone else in the office…but he had directed the ideas for whatever.
My husband had many great qualities but personal investment in his wife and evven his children seemed to be way down the list of what was really his interest.
Now he lives alone …but bought a dog….So it is just as I reminded him that God’s observation is that ‘it is not good for man to be alone’ and that from what I could tell about his needs from the history of his ways ….he would not be alone for long…
Human commitment and loyalty seems to be just too much work for him .
Sadly …indeed…forgiveness seventy times seven is a true reality and necessity in my own life experience. Trust is another matter as I still am waiting to observe that he can be trusted ….in every way.
So far it is not apparent that he even wants to be trusted…it would require some transparency and accountability and he has not wanted either of those things in his life for a very long time.
Psa 10:4 The wicked, through the pride of his countenance, will not seek after God: God is not in all his thoughts
Pro 16:18 Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.
My husband does not want forgiveness…he refuses it ….this too is pride..it might require him to repent…still waiting and still praying for the strength moment to moment to continue to forgive and for protection from bitterness…
1Jo 2:16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.
Luk 17:3 Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and IF he repent, forgive him.
Luk 17:4 And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him.
So every time something painful comes to mind I try to do what the Word tells us …to
Jas 4:7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
1Jo 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
One odd thing though in all of this is that the way my husband has disconnected from me is it feels like he blames ME for his sinful choices and as I have tried to continue in with forgiveness toward him,practicing kindness, gentleness and extending him all of what he said he wanted….He seems to resent or be bitter against me as if it was ME instead of him that did such hurtful and shameful things to all of us.
Col 3:19 Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
I realize this scripture is written to those who believe they can learn something about love, marriage and relationship from God’s Word….but it is still good counsel.
As some say “Happy wife happy life’
I think I practiced patience and contentment …which admittedly was hard when I was neglected and left to deal with our family pretty much alone …but even as I did try to encourage him and show desire for him to be with us …I also reasoned that he worked hard and I needed to be patient and look to the future when he would not have to “work so hard’ and with his stressful position of responsiblity at work I gave him a lot of understanding and ‘freedom’ to do whatever he ‘needed’ to do to be healthy …ie…golf,…and time to do what I thought were very few times to do whatever he wanted for himself
I was deceived. He had a LOT of ‘free time’ in his work…and spent MUCH of it ‘at play’ ….at the expense of us all….including himself.
The OW ‘s mom and dad were approving of her being involved and having children with my husband even as they knew about her decision to not marry …it very likely was my husband’s powerful position and his appearance of affluence that compelled her parents to approve of their arrangement.
I need to stop now….sometimes relating these things challenge my whole effort to forgive….the losses are great …more than half of our marriage stolen from us all.
I am grateful for my children ….despite the way their father has violated us all with his selfishness…our children are godly and continue to walk after the Lord …how amazing the grace of GOD is …I have proof….the divine unmerited favor compels me to forgive and let GOD do what He will concerning my husband…may he turn to the Lord and repent.
Another night alone but with the comfort of the Savior indeed….
Zaza,
I am glad that you appreciated the post. It was inspired by a letter from someone who is dealing with this situation. The many mistunderstandings surrounding forgiveness creates problems. When each spouse has a different understanding of what forgiveness is, they never find satisfactory resolution to many issues.
Time has passed…. is ten years since DDay….and four years since he walked out and two months since he told me emphatically I was never to communicate with him directly through a text again or he would divorce me !
That was our if th blue
Is all financial info is on my daughters and it’s not really fair to them though they still live with me
I don’t think he really wanted to be fforgiven …he just wanted to pretend he is no longer married
As if I don’t exist
The door has been maintained open for him to wake up and grow up but it seems our marriage was never anything to him but a facade
It gets complicated especially since he is our only financial support and bills are often passed due and he does work but he has to pay for the place he has for himself and ???….-as well as the child support he has decided how much and the private schools for the two children by adultery
It’s astounding how he doesn’t seem to think of how our adult daughters lives have been “derailed” by his choices and attitude
He takes them to movies and things occasionally and seems to believe everything is acceptable keeping all of his life secret from us
He rejected forgiveness almost as an excuse to not have to go through any kind of accountability and restoration
His “life ” goes on while everyone who has to depend upon him and has had their trust in people damaged In terms of expecting people to be loyal and trustworthy
Sad