I’m amazed at how ‘progressive’ thinkers change the meaning of words rather than change their behavior, especially when it comes to behaviors related to human relationships and affairs.
In the modern mindset, shame is about your reaction to violating your chosen standards or societies standards. The answer to shame in some circles lies in changing your standards or your peer group.
Shame is no longer about the consequences of sinning or breaking moral standards. In previous generations, when you did something wrong, you experienced shame.
With affairs, you did something wrong and you’ll experience shame. You crossed moral boundaries. You took something that didn’t belong to you or that you were entitled to.
By changing the definition of shame, modern thinkers hope to change social behavior patterns. Rather than encouraging you to avoid immoral behavior like infidelity, moderns hope you change your standards or your peer group.
Instead of saying your sexual behavior is WRONG, they say that society is wrong for having standards and that you just need to change your social group.
In previous generations, shame concerned your reaction to guilt from violating God’s standards or natural law. It concerned when you brought reproach to your reputation or someone else’s reputation.
The answer to shame in those times involved changing your behavior and working toward repairing the tarnished reputation.
A rare application of the word also applied to the parts of your body which are covered to preserve modesty. When was the last time, that you heard a modern thinker talk about shame in association with modesty and dress? Previous generations understood shameful clothing, which is something modern thinkers do not.
When you understand all the sources of shame, you obtain a clearer understanding of what you’re dealing with. To moderns to discuss shame related to attire is relegated to puritanical ideas and quickly dismissed.
They don’t understand that ‘exposure’ to someone who is not entitled to see such items can bring reactions as well.
Adultery, trust, and shame have existed for generations. When you look at these areas from a long term perspective you arrive at different answers than moderns who only seek ‘hacks’ or answers that temporarily appease things in the ‘here and now’ rather than long-lasting solutions. They look for quick fixes that avoid consequences rather than long term solutions.
Shame is a very real concern. Shame has been known to drive people to the brink of suicide. It’s a heavy burden to carry. It is much more serious than just embarrassment.
It’s a serious problem that needs a serious solution. What makes finding solutions to shame difficult is the changing definition of what it is and what it is due to. If you’re not clear on what brings shame, how can you take steps to remove it?
When you are faced with shame, you need to have a clear idea of what you are dealing with. If you are using a definition of shame that amounts to watered down peer pressure, it is no wonder that you experience difficulty overcoming it.
You have real hurts, that have a real source and need a real solution, not some watered down attempt at hacking the pain of guilt for immoral actions.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
Jeff, YES, YES & YES to this article!! Seems that many attitudes r “I do what I want to do” or “I did what I had to do”. The similarity in both is “I”. There is no room for love, compassion, understanding ,commitment or room for anything outside of self. The intellectual ability to alter, switch or change the definitions of Absolutes=either a lack of shame or a Very Shallow version of it. In my own personal devastating circumstances i went to my pastor for insight & counseling (over my husbands porn addiction). My pastors response=Is that all, i thought u were going to reveal something much deeper. Porn is just parts & pieces, I’ve been on those sites (Hook up Sites!!). Needles to say- we had a few Very Intensive meetings. He shook my husbands hand like its all good-shook his finger at me and said “if u were my wife I would never trust u again”. 2 yrs later i had the priviledge of letting him know my husband confirmed he had been living a secret life for 30+yrs. The only look on my pastors face was a Wounded Ego (no apology to me whatsoever). I think he was more concerned that he was “outsmarted” by a real Sociopath. He himself felt no shame. If our Ministers & Leaders continue changing the “definitions” but at the same time use Christianity as an agenda to b judge, jury & executioner in personal & political arenas-Truly God help us all. I am so Blessed by your website-keep speaking THE TRUTH so that those of us who WANT TO adhere and maintaine a sense of decency and wholeness thru the insanity of the pain still have a place to find it!
Dianah,
I am encouraged by your comments. It is touching to see how you have been blessed and encouraged by what you have read on the blog.
Although I was touched and encouraged by part of your comments, there are parts that send shivers down my spine. When a pastor’s response to porn is “Is that all?” it concerns me. Perhaps he was trying to comfort you in your distress, although my suspicion is that he does not see the danger. It is more than just “parts & pieces”. It represents something deeper. There are spiritual dimensions to it that need attention. The twist of the dagger with the comment “If you were my wife I would never trust you again” is a real kick in the teeth. It could be that the pastor was not experienced in dealing with such issues or experienced in dealing with sociopaths or struggling with such issues himself. It could even be a combination of them. He definitely needs your prayers for discernment and righteousness.
I am not sure how to read what you wrote. Are you saying that the pastor has been to hook-up sites or that you were on such sites? If it was the pastor, there are bigger problems going on in your church family than your husband’s porn addiction. The longer the addiction, the more the selfishness. Porn contributes to a self-orientation. Everything becomes about them. They evaluate all activities in terms of how it impacts them.
With the changing definitions, it is not just pastors and churches, but also schools and businesses. When all the definitions change on you, it makes it difficult to have a meaningful conversation on important issues, especially moral ones. Society in a large part, often reward pragmatism. They like people who do what is pragmatic rather than what is right. This kind of thinking has infiltrated more churches and corners of our culture than I would like. It has led to people considering themselves good based on their pragmatism rather than doing what is right.
I am glad that there are people like you out there who want to maintain a sense of decency and wholeness. It is refreshing.
Jeff