You may consider flirting innocent, which in many cases it is. The problem lies in the mind of the cheater. Cheaters often misread flirting signals as “Come on” or when they are the one flirting, send the signal to “Come On” disguised as flirting. Wrong signals can create major problems. Although cheaters say “It just happened!”, they may not be aware of how things developed with the wrong signals.
Signals are often given prior to making changes. This is true in driving and in relationships. Signals are given off. Misreading the signals can happen. You or the cheater may be sending signals that you were not aware of. Cheaters often have a highly developed alert system that tells them when someone has ‘cheating’ on their mind, whether consciously or unconsciously. The best course of action is to trust your gut. Don’t ignore your hunches when it comes to relationship issues.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
3 Responses
A prowling spouse with a wandering eye is murder on the heart of the faithful spouse.
In the early years when my husband began to work in an office as a manager I would visit and take note of his charming ways with his employees. He was just as ‘fun’ with the men as the women but the WOMEN took it differently ..and that is the way women are ..they are RESPONDERS.
So even if the behavior is meant to be ‘harmless’ …if the wife is picking up on it ..it is NOT JUST ‘jealousy’ it is a warning that the husband needs to dial it back a bit!
Women who are being flirted with or even if they are taking the attention wrongly …they are being VIOLATED …
OR women whose behavior ‘leads men on ‘ are VIOLATING those men.
As Christians we need to think about HOW others may be effected by our behavior .
We cannot control others minds …but we can learn to avoid and be sensitive to ways that others might be defiled .
We do not want to excite or initiate fantasy thinking in others …to solicit affections from anyone …
Our bodies and our lives belong to GOD and to only ONE other person ..that is our spouse according to GOD …so we are told to be careful not to excite other’s passions ..and thoughts”
My husband scoffed at this ..I told him that it bothered me and hurt me …and that the other women who worked with him might begin to be attracted to him ..and this was a violation of them even if it were just in their minds.
By that time he did not care anymore about God and all that he had learned and he did not care about what it did to me …I did not want to be seen by him as jealous wife in a bad way and I think I talked with him in a reasonable way …as I would with any brother or sister in Christ …HE rejected my thoughts and continued his behavior ..until he began to ‘help ‘ a crying receptionist one afternoon which led to more and more lunches and hugs and kisses …
I met with her and spoke about the Lord with her and she quit the job and left work ..I found out about this woman more after D DAY …that nothing had happened sexually …but also that SHE WAS MARRIED and the problem my husband was trying to comfort her over was that her husband was not treating her right!
My husband was NEVER ignorant of proper behavior or morals…we had talked this over thoroughly before marriage and he had spend several years in ministry ..it was more that he cared MORE about being popular and having fun and enjoying recreation with people than he cared to be faithful to GOD or me.
That was during our first pregnancy and his mom’s impending death from cancer
Still …he seemed to be so intent upon being fair and kind and generous and compassion ….but not to me…it was toward everyone else.
I was set aside
Sometimes I look back and think that I might have been treated a lot better had I not married him! funny how some men seem to be fine UNTIL they marry the woman they can’t live without!
I think it is some kind of programing from locker room marriage advice!
Just sad …he looks sorry but continues to do what he wants …hates accountability …offers SOME but I sense it is only a tip of the ice berg somehow. He likes to hide himself and create a facade.
Zaza,
The piece you shared about your husband formerly being in the ministry explains a lot. The calling is ‘without repentance’. If he was called, there is no discharge from service. He knows that, and is struggling with that reality. He may not want to admit it, but if he had a legitimate call, …he knows. No matter how deep he gets into the affair, he knows what he needs to do and that there is no ‘out’ for him, no matter how far he runs. That is one reason why the story of Jonah is so powerful. If you are truly daring, you may want to refer to him as ‘Jonah’ (but do it in love, please). Just the mention of that name will begin stirring things up in him and remind him of ‘who’ he is and what he was called to do.
This is an interesting perspective . I will think this over .
When I mentioned ‘he was involved in ministry ‘ it may mean something different than most people think.
He did not attend seminar . This was the way we referred to all believers…as ” we have the ministry of reconciliation’ . When I first met him I was a singer and musician and writing and performing music I would write from inspirations that arose out of my inner ‘fountain’ of the scriptures . I had studied opera and all areas of performance, At the time we met I was still involved in the fellowship but the christian band had dispersed. I was daily involved with still speaking the word , study and fellowships. We all took part in the setting up of fellowships, sharing what we were learning and running classes mostly about basic research and studies from our research.
when I met him on our first date I spoke throughout our whole date about the Lord and the word and asked him what he thought of all of what I had shared, He said ‘ I believe the same way you do’
I still was reticent to accept this and over the courtship our letters were full of sharing not just feelings but mine in particular were word oriented . I did not want to be making any decisions based upon my feelings ,,but to be careful to ‘qualify’ that he was really going to be true to continuing in his growing in the Word’
I feel now that he was not really interested though he would argue he did love GOD . The way he avoided saying “Jesus Christ’ bothered me …he seemed uncomfortable with saying the name. He would call him the ‘big guy’ .
He seemed having a difficult time confessing his faith to his family and friends. However he did go to classes, help set up , but I now feel like his faith was just not from a love of GOD but an interest in me and his walk did not progress once he was back from our first year after marriage …back among his family and friends. He took a stand for a while …against his parents in terms of the Roman Catholic church but he was unhappy with himself later for having testified to them of the actual historic details of that church.
They were not really interested in the Roman Catholic church and not attendees but their family of origin still attended so he felt badly to have told them about his not believing in it .
When he watched himself talking about how we would be raising our baby and children to love GOD and the word he said it scared him …he was embarassed to watch himself saying that in a video we took.
This was all confessed to me as he also had begun his interest in the secretary …just after our first daughter was born ..he had prior to this stopped going with me to fellowship …he shunned it …I believe his companions at work …and all of those who he had a friends were instrumental in his wanting to distance from the fellowship.
It was not the people in the fellowship so much but the IMAGE of what he felt being a christian was that he did not want to “BE” ….
As I have learned from him …he had this adultery because it was “EASY” ….and he simply did not want to make the kinds of sacrifices to be a follower of Jesus that he felt he saw necessary.
SO he was not ‘in ministry’ in the way that many might identify it …and now I am not even so sure he was ever really a believer …not ‘converted’ simply was going along because when we first met and first were married we had many of those in fellowship that were interesting and fun ….they were many from the entertainment industry …and he was not in a corp career then ….and we had little money
All of his success went to his head…and family life and being a husband and father was not as exciting as his ‘freedom’ that his new life allowed and provided
His options were plentiful ..as you know women in the last thirty years have become brazen and bold in their initiating relationships …he is easy to engage …and he cares about people …just did not want to be in the ‘box’ that he thought ‘followers of Christ are . He has an image problem …
I told him Christ actually brings about a truely AUTHENTIC personhood .
Presently …IF he was ever a true lover of Christ it is very difficult to tell that …if the ‘calling ‘ as the word says is ‘without repentance’ then I wonder if he was EVER really a RESPONDER to the CALL …
Over the years I have been corrected from my own study of the scriptures …corrections and instruction to realize many of the things our present day churches have been teaching and learning that are not found in and among the scriptures in their overall context.
I have rejected the Dispensational view…and many things that took me much effort to allow the Lord to help me understand over time.
The love of the Lord does not take years …but it DOES take a decision to SURRENDER and make choices daily to receive the word with meekness , to retain it because it is the FAITHFUL word that is able to save the soul …it takes willingness to follow and obey Him
My husband seems to have a hardened heart, a stiff neck …and will set against surrender and I think it is in a great part because he thinks his situation is too impossible because of his feeling so guilty and responsible for the children of the other woman.
I have a challenge to try to engage him to understand that accountability does not translate as unforgiveness….accountability is necessary IF he is going to sustain any kind of change worthy of trust building .
I feel that his feeling of ‘responsiblity ‘ has gotten him into situations …people noticing someone that they can move to ‘help’ them ….
I feel EMOTIONS are not good or bad in and of themselves…Such as ‘offenses’
We are told in scripture that we are not to be easily offended…but SIN is an offense that requires something of those who sin …it requires one to REALIZE it …if not already because it was perhaps a ‘willful’ sin ….but it must be acknowledged in order to be confessed AS what GOD identifies it as …the sense of recognizing not JUST that it is ‘wrong’ but more a desire to know and understand the depth of it’s damage to ones OWN SOUL ..as well as the fact that it is AGAINST GOD ALMIGHTY ….which is most fearsome
Without the perspective from how GOD sees it …it seems to me that there is faint concern for it’s damaging effects …not just to those who one may lie to in order to ‘not hurt them’ but also to the ongoing attitude that does not change
I feel this attitude of a light view of sin …has been one of the most damaging effects of the false doctrines that encourage a lack of knowledge or concern of what ‘repentance’ is and what ‘sanctification’ is …
When one truely comes to learn why sin matters …then I would think there would be a terrific urgency to ferret ones state out by way of shining the light of truth upon it !
Man has always had the attribute of free will CHOICE …this is one of the ways I believe we have been made in God’s image.
The ‘tree of knowledge of good and evil’ was not unlike all the other trees of the garden …For God said that he made ALL of the trees ‘pleasant to the eyes and good for food ”
The sin was disobedience born out of man’s CHOICE based upon the desire to ‘be wise’ apart from GOD …as EVE is said to have noted this …’Gen 3:6 And when the woman saw that the tree [was] good for food, and that it [was] pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make [one] wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.
Interesting to note ..Adam seemed to be passive in the presence of this process …MAYBE HE TOO wanted to eat of the tree and did not stop Eve …maybe he reasoned that if EVE were to eat of the tree that was ‘forbidden ‘ as a test of love and loyalty that GOD had set up …that being that she was not present when GOD informed Adam of the commandment but only got that ‘second hand’ as Adam was instructed to tell her…that GOd might ‘go easy ‘ on her!
Adam did not seem to hesitate to taste of the fruit now did he ?
Huh …maybe he was just as desirous to break the commandment.
His response to being asked about his part …he blamed GOD ..for giving him the WOMAN who ‘gave to me …’
He was passive in the face of this situation …just sayin’ ….and GOD did not let him get by with that
Man has RESPONSIBLITIES because of his JURISDICTION which makes HIS influence HUGE in all relationships with others…and most importantly with his WIFE ..and then HIS CHILDREN
The tempation is to gain access to emotions which …if jurisdictions are not adhered to and understood …the key to breaking into the ‘house’ in this case is to ‘bind the strong man ‘ …aka the HEAD of the household …and then the opening allows all kinds of ‘spoils’ to happen to the Family …
Mar 3:27 No man can enter into a strong man’s house, and spoil his goods, except he will first bind the strong man; and then he will spoil his house.
Our body is this ‘house’ of the Lord ,,,aka the temple
It also refers as well to the house of the man ..the husband and father’s household . HE it is that the Lord has commanded and ordained to defend and protect his household from all enemies…and the Devil is seeking to steal , kill and destroy the family …if he can ‘take out ‘ the head…he will ‘spoil ‘ the wife and children ….no doubt about what we see all around us as men defer and abandon their ‘posts’ to seek pleasure and recreation …at the expense of all ….They grasp the feeling of being ‘good’ as they ‘help’ the many ‘needy ‘ women who solicite them to ‘help’ them or ‘to care for them’ …just ‘a little’ …and the price goes up as they get more entangled
The woman who ‘just wants to be friends’ or ‘doesn’t want to take anything away from the family ‘ DOES as she justifies to him ‘don’t you think you are entitled to have some fun ‘ …’I can fill in the ‘gaps’ that your wife won’t or does not fulfill’ …”I don’t want to break up your family I just want to have some fun and give you some fun ‘
So many ways they lure a man into ‘helping them’ because they are ‘lonely’ or their boss is mean or their husband is mean …so many lies…I have heard and observed them all as I worked in various venues over my young years where women stalked men . My conversation startled those who came to talk with me. ..I told them ABOUT JESUS ..and warned them …that the men they were after were NOT any kind of man if they were willing to take them up on such offers.
Sad bunch of lonely needy women …AND GOD TOLD FATHERS and HUSBANDS to tend their OWN wives and children …and many men went to play golf .
A man who does not honor GOD will not be instructed as to this most important aspect of deceit
If a person sins he opens his ‘door’ to his ‘house’ [temple -body] to demonic influences to ‘inspire’ thoughts …without the WORD of GOD which is TRUTH to compare his thoughts to …he thinks those thoughts are HIS OWN …but in the case of a person who does not realize the realm of the devil.
Which as the Devil offered the ‘kingdoms of THIS world ‘ and all the power of them TO JESUS and he was not corrected ..so we learn that there IS a ‘god of this world ‘ and he is the Devil ..and HIS methods are to offer IDEAS into minds that are UNARMED with the WORD of GOD or as the scripture calls it ”the sword of the spirit’
It is the fear of God that prompts us to strive to LEARN what is truth from study of the word …IT is THIS knowledge that is the BEGINNING of wisdom that when applied to evaluating our thoughts…especially ones that are rising up from our emotions …that we CAN THEN evaluate the thoughts as to ‘do they line up with GODLY thoughts…aka the WORD …OR ‘do they come from some OTHER influence ‘ …aka the devil who has identified himself as having presently the domain of THIS WORLD .
Luk 4:5 And the devil, taking him up into an high mountain, shewed unto him all the kingdoms of the world in a moment of time.
Luk 4:6 And the devil said unto him, All this power will I give thee, and the glory of them: for that is delivered unto me; and to whomsoever I will I give it.
Luk 4:7 If thou therefore wilt worship me, all shall be thine.
This is a LIE presently …because ….Jesus Christ has vanquished this domain that once belonged to the Devil …for those who CHOOSE to find out that THEY do not HAVE to even fall for this temptation …IN CHRIST we NOW do not have to believe this lie….
Luk 4:8 And Jesus answered and said unto him, Get thee behind me, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve.
What we find out from the WORD about HOW this works and how to thwart this attempt to ‘gain entrance’ into our ‘house’ …is through learning and submitting to the truth found in God’s word which will shine ‘light’ upon our thoughts …which when we are ‘tempted’ by our emotions we can STOP and evaluate their usefulness either to flee sinful offerings…or to stand up for what is truth in our minds and thus our choices
2Cr 10:5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;
The failure often is that people have not read or realized this truth …the kingdom is NOT some time in the future it IS as Jesus SAID …it is here NOW >…but it is IN you …
It is the WORD that delivers us from the darkness of the ignorance of thinking THIS world is all that is and that the kingdom is still on it’s way …when The KING arrived on earth HE told us that “my kingdom is not OF THIS world …MY kingdom is within you .
SPIRIT …and it is real …
The deception we fall for is because GOD told us we have failed to KNOW HIS WORD.
Hsa 4:6a My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: because thou hast rejected knowledge,
Failing to attend to the WORD of GOD we have gone astray …allowing doctrines of men and fables and various lies to take up residence in our minds …without the TRUTH of GOD”S WORD IN US we fail to realize what thoughts and ideas are NOT OF GOD …ONLY knowing HIS WORD will supply that ability to compare “spiritual with spiritual’..”His words are spirit and life’
Jer 2:13 For my people have committed two evils; they have forsaken me the fountain of living waters, [and] hewed them out cisterns, broken cisterns, that can hold no water.
False teachings, doctrines, assumptions and various other deceptions cannot last long when we begin to obey the commands of GOD to put HIM first and to study to show ourselves approved of GOD rightly dividing the word of truth ..
Then we are equipped for the various tactics that the devil uses to open a way into our minds ..our thinking often through emotions.
Without knowledge of the FUNCTION of jurisdiction …of boundaries …and the benefit of the protection this wisdom provides for HOW we live and spend our lives …stewarding our time , energy and resources in a way that is appropriate …such as GOD [study and obeying the word ] THEN the SPOUSE ….then the family ..THEN any others…a person is led to CARE about all kinds of things. .people that are outside his first priorities and jurisdiction which is SIN ….it is to apply the ‘love’ to the wrong ‘domains
it is PLANTING in another person’s field…while weeds and preditors ‘spoil ‘ the homecrop
THis tactic has now many men devoted to all kinds of ‘foriegn fields’ and wondering how come they are not “fulfilled’ and their children are in rebellion and becoming prey to the various demon driven activities of our world around us …why our whole country has fallen into bondage to sin and captivity to tyrants!
Harsh realization of HOW we got here …we can look through the lens of the truths of GOD ‘s word and see our recent history for what has happened…and it is indeed SORROWFUL …but a testimony that GOD is true and all those who do not heed His counsel will STILL have a life that testifies to TRUTH ..even if it is the sad testimony of how sin is indeed DESTRUCTIVE .
I pray that “jonahs ‘ of this age will get a clue …even if it is late in the game they NEED to discover their error …they need to stop spreading their ‘seed’ and their life abroad in all kinds of waste lands
I heard a lecture to men …it exported them to pay attention to their children …yes that is needed but I see something else going on here …it is a product of HUMANISM and SOCIALISM …it sounds ‘good’ but I think it is evil …it is a work to engage men who have divorced their families…to tend to the children ..which is in truth IMPORTANT ..YET ..the TRUE depth is that this kind of encouragment is actually making men feel great if they are ‘good fathers’ ….even if they divorce …like it somehow makes up for their sin of abandoning the wives that they did not find ‘useful ‘ to their happiness.
Also the work of churches to help ‘blended families’ ….THIS is an encouragment to again believe that kids are ‘resiliant’ …I have been reading a book about a study done of people …adults whose parents have divorced …even as they were adults…the divorce has FAR REACHING EFFECTS throughout whole lifetimes
The idea that peoples sinful choices to divorce and that a blended family should be ‘managed’ somehow …to get children to have to live as if they should accept sinful joining in ‘marriages’ which GOD identifies as ADULTERY …is not only adultery but calls upon the children to live and ‘accept ‘ this as acceptable an places the weight of accepting this sin as ‘normal’
This activity has it’s use among those who are widowed ..and have a blended family situation out of that marriage…BUT it has been carried over for the ‘sake of the children ‘ of people who divorce .
The way the children are best trained up and loved is to see their father be faithful and loving to HIS WIFE .
The damage done is only being smoothed over to serve the selfishness of the two infidels who marry and the children involved have had NO CHOICE in this …the two parents are deemed ‘loving ‘ and ‘great’ because everyone gets along ‘so well’
This book testifies that this is false ..and evil in people’s assumptions that just because THEY feel good and ‘in love’ that everyone should accept and approve of it ..and glorify them as if they are doing such a ‘good job’
I fail to see in the word how this kind of encouragment and support is given to adulterers …
Sorry …I feel as I observe the outcome ..even in my husband’s choices ,,that the ‘great marraiges of those blended families he grew up in some kind of relationship with as his family …’ gave weight to his idea that the children he had with his adulteress would somehow be accepted and even ‘raised ‘ and influence well by our daughters and son !
This was actually what he told me he thought as he considered what would happen if we found out about this !
I do not doubt that our daughters would be a great influence…this is NOT about their even forgiving this situation or caring about kids in this situation ..THIS is nearly an impossible situation he has placed us all in
This weekend he claimed that I told him I would not engage with those kids….That I did not want any part in their lives…
THis is only PART of the story …I TOLD HIM …before that I did not see how my becoming involved was going to work out for several reasons.
ONE …our own daughters have been devisated to have to realize some other children have been regarding their father as THEIR dad …! AND call him that !
This brings up all kinds of humilating situations …if they are out and about and someone sees their father with these children ..much younger and they call him dad in front of them…
I once went with him by his invitation to go over to meet them one time when their mother was out and he was called upon by her to take meds to them .
I went along but told him I felt I should stay in the car ….I felt that it was wrong to go to the house without their mother being asked or at least notified and might be construed wrongly ..and who knows what kind of thing would ensue
Sure enough when he asked the kids did they want to meet me they said no.
When she got home they told her and she texted him to say that she did not want him to bring me to her home ever again.
I told him for our children’s hearts sake I would not become involved
Also I did not really want to meet this woman nor be anywhere near her …who knows what kind of ‘event’ that would bring about .
I had her in my home many years ago and was very loving , hospitable and even testified as I showed her around our home and talked with her about our homeschooling …she went home and began a campaigne to get my husband to give her children ! This woman HATES Christianity …her words and her daugthers also ..
I see no wisdom in getting in the middle of this …
I wish my husband had listened to me back just after D DAY and stayed out of their lives…it has only caused our family MORE pain and suffering and loss…and those children are being led into expectations my husband is now finding more and more difficult to fulfill…and will only find it more so as time goes by .
He cannot fulfill their expectations AND walk in truth in our marriage and lives
If he stops his connections NOW they will be damaged no doubt…but to go on dividing his time and affection is causing him and all of us great pain and sorrow…No doubt it is so at times for them when they call him and ask him to come be with them and he has to tell them no he is with his family!
It is a mess.
Our society has bought the lies of the devil in terms of ‘alternative life styles ‘ and alternative families…it is bringing forth neglected warped children that will be prime for exploitation by the state ..and others…including cults who claim the name of Jesus ..
This is not something unknown or unreveled in the scriptures but it is STILL shocking to have a front row seat on a life of a person ..especially one’s husband …and know HE COULD have made choices ..he HAD knowledge that would have and should have caused him to keep his loyalties to the LORD and me ..
He knows this now but feel so trapped by his own stubborn ‘way’ that he chose and now cannot do justice to any of his ‘obligation’
This is what I mean by the use of proper emotions that draw people into feeling ‘responsible ‘ for jurisdictions NOT THEIR OWN .
It is the ‘tactic’ used to get countries to go to war …for the wrong reasons…not for defense ..but for gain ..and domination ..
It is true in the realm of the supernatural…and it is seen in the natural realm of this world as people reject and rebel and run from the LORD who they cannot OUT RUN as you have pointed out so well
My husband being a ‘Jonah’ …I would like to think so ..but it is hard ..since he has acted more like ‘Judas’ as far as I can see…this is a difficult thing to alter my view sadly …because he fights the things that are of necessity to one being seen to have ‘changed lords’ but there is hope ..for what is impossible with man is possible …to all those who believe….
Jesus IS LORD and HE will have every knee bow and every tongue shall confess that HE is indeed LORD and KING …and HIS KINGDOM presently is WITHIN …and those who LOVE HIM …LOVE HIS WORD.
Psa 119:105 NUN. Thy word [is] a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.