Since my area of expertise is in helping couples recover from affairs, I make it a point of reading the advice columns dealing with those matters. I read the columns from a wide variety of sources, including Dear Abby, YourTango, She’s a Homewrecker, Huffington Post, Patheos and others.
I even have nicknames for the columns and the ‘experts’ providing their insights.
In a recent column by the ‘Family Expert’ at one of the columns a husband wrote in concerning his wife having an affair . His letter started out with a series of bullet like sentences.
“My wife had an affair. This was just over 18 months ago and, while we are doing better, I still harbor feelings of doubts. I have questions. Why she would have chosen that? Will she do it again?…“
If you’ve been reading my emails for a while, you know about the dangers of asking “Why?” The why question immediately directs his focus on the past.
This husband is so focused on the past, he misses how his marriage dodged the divorce bullet. Focusing on the past keeps you from seeing what’s going on now. It also reveals at least one of the problems that his wife experienced in the first place.
That problem is how he obsesses about the past and offenses. Not only does he focus his attention on the past, it’s also on HIS hurts rather than considering both of them.
In all likelihood, she’s probably told him the answer to his question yet he doesn’t want to accept it or explore it. His focus remains on himself.
With the affair being over for 18 months, I would have thought that they would have addressed affair relapse issues. When such issues aren’t addressed, then the affair is only put on hold.
Instead of asking “Will she do it again?“, he would make more progress asking “HOW can we keep this from happening again?” Such a change opens up options that he doesn’t currently see.
The fact that he still has questions also indicates that many of the issues remain unaddressed or unsettled. That tells me that their recovery is half-baked at best.
You can learn from the questioning husband so that you don’t have to find yourself in his shoes. One of the lessons is the importance of dealing with Affair Relapse.
The relapse prevention plan helps both you and the cheater. It’s part of a collaborative effort at dealing with the root issues behind what happened along with the needs each of you have.
In the video “Overcoming Affair Relapse“, I address relapse prevention plans along with ways of handling high risk situations. Rather than waiting to be blind-sided by slips or a relapse, you can instead have a solid plan in place and dialogue about what’s REALLY going on in their mind.
You can have a plan between the two of you that lays out what the high risk situations are along with ways of dealing with them. You’ll also know what the signs of potential relapse to look for.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
5 Responses
I don’t think it is at all unusual for the betrayed spouse to be asking those questions at only 18 months after d-day. In all likelihood she has NOT given him the answers he needs. I feel it is rather judgmental of you to say that he obsesses about the past and it’s all about his hurts.
The depth of betrayal can be excruciating to say the least. We are often left with half truths and in many cases it becomes all about the CS rather than the BS. I know that nothing will ever answer the “why†question to our satisfaction but please allow us time to grieve what was lost.
I am sorry but this post just really pushed my buttons. When one is betrayed they are left to fight a battle of epic proportions within themselves and often with very little help from the BS. Five and half years later I am still left with the haunting question…â€How in the Hell after almost forty years of marriage could you have done this to me?â€
Marianne,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts about this post. The depth of betrayal is very deep. There are also questions and more questions needing answers. Those questions when left unanswered leave the wounds open. The refusal of the cheater to answer questions keeps the pain alive. At those times the lines between obsessing on the past and dealing with the open wounding blur.
It takes time to heal. The hurts don’t go away quickly if they heal at all.
The refreshing honesty of your feedback lets me know that I needed greater clarity or even sharing more of the original letter with this post along with greater sensitivity. There are times when a little hardness and judgemental qualities creep in and reminders like yours help me regain focus.
Jeff
Marianne I had the same reaction as you. But as I reread in context I felt Jeff was trying to direct focus on prevention instead of obsession.
Jeff I’ve read your work since 2012 and you do a fantastic job of NOT blaming the betrayed while exploring the depths of betrayal in ways nobody else does. Thank you and keep up the great work!
Untold,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and reactions. I appreciate your encouragement, which I need from time to time. Since I often use a fire, ready, aim approach, there are times I miss the target in terms of wording and clarity. I learn something from each of the comments that are shared.
Best Regards,
Jeff
Thanks Jeff and Untold. I appreciate your response.