In some of the previous posts and podcasts, I have addressed the topic of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) in terms of its connection with the cheater. Since affairs often operate like a see-saw of pain, the stress and pain of an affair often shift from the cheater to you after it is ‘found out’.
The cheater is often relieved at the affair coming out, while you find yourself feeling burdened and stressed from that disclosure. This happens frequently (I address this in my e-book entitled ‘Picking Up the Pieces‘). This shift in the burden of pain can bring tremendous stress with it.
When you consider that you have a life changing event combined with the betrayal of your closest friend, and the uncertainty such a discovery brings with it, you may find yourself feeling overwhelmed. It is not just the loss of a close relationship. It is the loss of security, the loss of a future, the loss of a sense of identity.
When a loss has so much included with it, the amount of stress you are facing is hard to quantify. How can you put a number or a rating on something so life changing?
Imagine the compounding effects of rejection, loss of security and sense of marital identity all at the same time. Any one of these issues is stressful to deal with. Multiplying the events will multiply the stress.
Since we do not all deal with stress the same, some of you will find it devastating, while others will find a way to recover from the wound and carry on. Since all affairs are different, they can not be viewed as all having the same amount of stress associated with them.
When the affair is with a family member, or close friend or next door neighbor the stress can be exponential. The closer the relation or proximity to your home, the more the stress.
When your spouse brings home a STD (Sexually Transmitted Disease) and infects you with the consequences of their profligacy, it adds even more stress.
When your body is already dealing with high levels of stress, an illness or infection aggravates a situation that’s already hard to face. The sleepless nights, feeling drained emotionally, loss of appetite and low energy put you in a position where you’re having to do more, with fewer emotional and physical resources.
The stress of dealing with all that is overwhelming. Your body doesn’t distinguish between physical stress and emotional stress. It only knows that it’s stressed.
If you have a chronic illness, the stress of an affair can strains your ability to cope beyond what you can handle.
Typically, after mobilizing all your resources to deal with threats and stress, there’s a period of exhaustion. You’re not a super-being. When you’ve used up your energy, you’ll collapse.There are links between stress and illness.
This is when you have depleted your emotional, physical, and relational resources. If your extended family has been hostile to you during the affair, or your spouse has lost their job, or income, there may be a deeper sense of exhaustion.
Some have even reported that this experience is more like ‘falling down into a pit that they can not get out of’.
You may need some additional help getting back up. That is the reason you need to be willing to ask for help when you need it, because you will need it. Even if it is just someone to talk to over a cup of coffee, having another person to share the burden with you, if only for a few moments helps.
You may find yourself experiencing a wide spectrum of emotions. Since not everyone copes the same, you may develop PTSD, Anxiety disorders, depressed moods, hopelessness, alienation, depersonalization, or other problems. If you need a professionals opinion during this time, seek them out. You may need help overcoming the heavy duty symptoms before you are ready to overcome the affair.
Best Regards,
Jeff
