It was back in 1968 that the Beatles released their song Dear Prudence. Anytime I hear the name Prudence, their song starts playing in my head.
One online publisher posted a recent advice column entitled ‘Dear Prudence’. Just having the name Prudence was enough to catch my attention. That day’s column really surprised me since it addressed a situation where a wife struggled with her husband’s affair.
She was frustrated and for good reasons. This “dear Prudence” had gotten played.
She was blown away when her husband told her about his affair. He went on, pointing out that he admitted the affair to his therapist, who discouraged him from disclosing it since “it could destroy” their marriage.
On visiting the therapist, the wife was really blown away when she heard the recommendation for a non-monogamous relationship along with discouraging her from mistrusting her husband. She used the term ‘shaken to the core’.
I can understand her reaction. If I went to a therapist that encouraged my spouse to lie, then recommend a non-monogamous marriage while discouraging any mistrust I would have strong reactions as well.
When your therapist recommends a non-monogamous marriage while discouraging mistrust reactions, it’s time to hit the brakes. At that point, you have to wonder what the therapist’s goals are and whether they are in the best interest of your marriage.
Keeping secrets from each other is a sure sign of unhealthy relationship dynamics. In the recovery community, the saying “You’re as sick as your secrets” still holds true.
When you hear such recommendations, changes are needed. I realize that therapist at times use interventions that are counter-intuitive, yet a cheater hearing such a recommendation would run with it faster than a hot tip from a Wall Street stockbroker.
Cheaters look for excuses for what they did or want to do. They’ll take whatever excuse comes along be it from you or their therapist. This is one reason your words should be chosen carefully, even when you’re angry.
Prior to this episode, the cheater had been provoking fights. In his mind, the fights gave him further excuse for cheating.
When you are ready to talk in a forum without pressure or dubious secrets, consider joining the support community at Restored Lifestyle. There you can share with others about the challenges you are facing along with hearing from others recovering from affairs like you.
Best Regards,
Jeff
