When I felt ill the other day, I was in no mood to be social, or community minded. Unlike extroverts who are energized by interacting with others, I’m not. I made it a point of letting my wife know that I wasn’t feeling well. One of the things that did help was when my wife kindly asked “Is there anything I can do for you?”
Although she was asking as part of her caring, her question is a great one for your marriage. Let me explain.
Many times when couples aren’t communicating well, it’s because you forgot the basics. One of the basics of communication is “letting your spouse know what bothers you”. Better yet is letting them know ‘how’ that bothers you.
When it comes to the affair, have you let your spouse know what bothers you about it?
That sounds simple, but it’s those simple things you neglect that leads to problems. Sure, your spouse knows the affair bothers you, but have you let them know ‘how’ the affair is a problem for you?
They may know you don’t like it, or that you wish it hadn’t happened or that you’re mad at them. These things let them know that affair’s a problem, but it leaves something out.
When you make it clear ‘how’ their infidelity is a problem, it starts changing things. It finally gives them a reason to change.
Bear in mind, people still need a motivation for making changes. Your spouse needs a reason to change.
You may have been hammering away at them on the ‘why‘ part of the affair. Hammering on the why of the affair puts them on the defensive.
That strategy pushes them away instead of giving them a reason to change. If anything hammering on the ‘why’ reduces their motivation to change.
The clearest thing they may know is that the infidelity bothers you. They may not know ‘how’ that makes it a problem for you.
Assuming that they know how it bothers you is a HUGE assumption. It could be that the affair triggers your fear of abandonment, or makes you feel inadequate or some other issue.
Rather than assume the cheater knows how their affair is a problem for you, TELL them. Make it clear and plain. In all likelihood they’ve only been caught up in their own world and own issues. This could be part of their selfishness or part of you not letting them know what’s going on inside of you.
One of the truths about change is that some people don’t change because they have no reason to change. When you let them know ‘how’ the affair bothers you, it gives them a reason for making changes.
Change is easier when you have a reason to make the changes.
This is just one of the many ideas for improving communication between the two of you. I cover more in the video, “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions“. Click and download your copy today.
When your spouse has a motivation for making change, it helps recovery from the affair go much smoother.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
