Being stalked is unnerving. Stalking is someone’s attempt at gaining control. Recognize that the opposite of love is not hate, but control.
Reducuing stalking by others <<– listen to the audio here
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. I’m glad you’re here with me this evening. Today we’re going to be talking about reducing stalking.
I know I talked about some of this the other day, but today we’re going to be talking about reducing stalking when other people are stalking you. As I’ve pointed out in some of the previous podcasts, affairs and stalking go hand-in-hand.
As you probably know, being stalked is unnerving and creepy. A lot of the times it feels like you’re being hunted down, and you’re going to have to realize that stalking is someone’s attempt at gaining control.
With the affair situation there will be people that are in control, and there are going to be a lot of people that are out of control. And those that are out of control are going to be trying to find ways of getting control.
Because not only the ways of controlling people’s behavior, but also the ways of motivating people and getting people to do things, are all out of whack. You’re no longer getting your spouse to do things out of a motivation of love, or out of a motivation of duty.
At this point it turns into a lot of control games, and one of the ways that those control games go down is through stalking.
It may not necessarily be your spouse. It could be the family of the lover, it could be the lover, it could be a lawyer or private eye that has been hired by your spouse or someone else.
There’s numerous types of people that might engage in stalking. Sometimes even the cheater’s family may jump into things and be stalking you to try to find out what’s going on.
It’s going to be important for you to realize that the opposite of love is not hate, but control. At this point, when someone is unable to motivate you by love, they’re going to resort to control.
One of the favorite ways that people try to play control games with affairs is through stalking.
The solution to reducing the stalking, (because I don’t think that there’s going to be a way that you’re going to be able to totally eliminate it) is in reducing it. The way of doing that is by being alert and cautious.
In terms of being alert and being cautious I’m going to give you some things that you can start doing.
I know that those of you who have lived in any large cities, you know that you literally have to develop a sense of caution just as part of your daily routine. Those of you who aren’t used to those situations you’re going to have to learn a new way of doing things.
1. You’re going to need to document all suspicious activity or cars. A lot of times you want to think well, I’m just being paranoid. I’m just imagining things.
You may not be. Basically, because since you’re in a high risk situation, you’re not being paranoid. When you’re talking about an affair, some people view these things as very serious matters.
It’s almost like they view it as a matter of life and death. Passions are very involved, and people make bad choices when their passions are very involved.
You are in a high risk situation, and being that that’s the case you do need to document all suspicious activity. This may be unusual phone calls, cars that stay in front of your house for hours, or people sitting in cars.
Don’t just ignore them. Start paying attention to those things.
2. Be alert to your surroundings. This means being careful. When you’re coming out to your car, be it at the mall or the supermarket, look in the backseat before you jump in.
Make it a point of scanning your surroundings to know what all is around you and what all is surrounding you. Many times what happens, people just are oblivious to what’s going on around them.
Just singing “zippity-do-dah” and going on their way, and you can’t do that in this situation. It’s not in your best interest.
You’re going to need to avoid danger. You will also need to avoid strangers. When people come up to you that you don’t know and start a conversation, they may not be your friend at all.
It could be that this is somebody who’s trying to pump you for information or trying to get an angle on you, trying to find a weak point. You’re going to have to be cautious about that.
As a general rule stalkers want to avoid the attention of the police. If you think somebody is stalking you, driving to the police station may be one of your best options. Or even walking in the direction of a police officer when you’re at a mall or some type of public place. These are things that you can do.
I know some of you may be saying well, what if the stalker’s a policeman. That’s a whole nother ballgame. That’s going to be an exception to the rule here, I’m not going to get into that right now.
3. Use caution and common sense in your phone conversations. I’ve seen a lot of y’all in public. It amazes me that people will be sitting in a restaurant, get on the phone, and start sharing all kinds of private information.
This is stuff that you may not have given second thought to before, but right now it can get you into a lot of trouble.
Spouses may be wanting to find out if you have other bank accounts, who you’re seeing, who your counselor is, who your doctor is, who your lawyer is, what minister that you happen to go to. Whether or not you are doing something about the affair, because I know some spouses, cheating spouses even, start feeling threatened when you start reading or purchasing self-help books that address the topic of cheating and ways to deal with it.
So sometimes you may have to find yourself getting the help that you need very quietly and on the side.
You’re going to need to be alert, you’re going to need to be cautious. Especially if you are being stalked and if the cheater tends to have violent tendencies. That’s another population that needs to practice some of these steps.
Once again, to go over them. Number one, document all suspicious activity and cars. That list of suspicious cars that can alert you as to whether or not some stalking’s going on.
If there’s stalking going on that documentation is something that you can take to the police if it comes down to it. That is also something that can come in handy if you end up in a court of law.
These are things that will help, to go ahead and have that documentation.
2. Be alert, or I guess if you want to use the term be aware, of your surroundings. When you step out into a parking lot scan it, make it a point of training your eyes to start to look down under your car and look around.
Just be alert to what’s going on. I’m not saying that people are going to jump on you from behind every bush and that you have to be that suspicious, but you need to be careful whenever you are in places where stalkers could be watching you or looking for an opportunity to get your cell phone and get information. Because nowadays the cell phones can make you very vulnerable if it falls into the wrong hands.
You want to avoid strangers. Involve the use of the police as you need to, because stalkers tend to avoid the attention of the police.
3. Use caution and common sense in your phone conversations. Avoid talking about the affair and what you’re doing about the affair in public situations. I know with holidays and family members coming over you may be tempted to go ahead and talk about a lot of these things openly in the house.
You don’t know which family members you can trust and which ones you can’t. And although you’re very passionate about things, be careful even behind closed doors. Because some of you, when you get passionate, you get very loud, and people can hear.
Sometimes the people that are being used for finding information for stalking may not be who you think it is. It may be your kids that pass on information. Not that they’re intentionally trying to get you in trouble or trying to get anybody in trouble, they just may not understand what’s going on. You’re going to need to be careful about this.
These are steps that you can take to go ahead and start to reduce the stalking, and reducing your whole sense of vulnerability. I encourage you to take steps to go ahead and do that. These are things that the more you do it, the more it will become second nature.
For more help in recovering from the affair, join the support community at Restored Lifestyle. There you will find forums, articles, question and answer times along with access to the affair recovery materials of Survive Your Partners Affair.
Best Regards,
Jeff
