There are times when a reader’s email expresses a truth better in a couple of sentences than a whole paragraph or chapter in a psychology textbook. In their words, they communicate a pithy truth that rings true.
A reader wrote “I’ll never get over what he did. It stained my brain.” In her few words, she communicated an important truth.
The truth is that what happened left a permanent mark on her brain. Her brain has been modified. We can’t erase memories, although we can learn to cope with them. This reader expressed a profound truth about the way traumatic events change our brains permanently.
This is why it is so important for us to recognize and understand trauma when it occurs in our lives or others’ lives. Trauma has a real and lasting impact on the What makes matters worse is that she has chosen to lock in those changes.
Like graffiti made by a permanent marker, the event has stained her mind. Affairs stain everyone’s mind. What makes her situation different is that she’s telling herself that she’ll never get over it.
You may have made comments like that yourself. Without realizing it, those comments actually create mental barriers that interfere with any kind of affair recovery.
In order for recovery to be possible, we have to recognize that we can’t undo the past, but we can learn to cope with it. We must also remember that our brains are resilient and can change in positive ways when given the right opportunity and resources.
It is possible to heal from trauma.
You may think that the decision to not get over it is limited to your present relationship. This is where you’re making a dangerous assumption. The longer you hold onto that kind of thinking, the more difficulty you’ll experience in future relationships as well.
There may not be hope for your relationship, yet programming your brain with messages about not ever getting over it ends up creating problems for yourself. What you tell your brain gives it instructions that it carries out. Your brain carries out your comments like a good soldier follows orders.
Although saying “I’ll never get over what he did” expresses a deep hurt, it can also develop into a self-fulfilling prophecy in her life. I’ve seen elderly people filled with bitterness they carried through their lifetimes from an early life incident.
Carrying that lifelong burden began with telling themselves that they’d never get over it. Although it starts as expressing hurt, the way it’s expressed becomes a ticking time bomb.
Even if there’s little to no hope for salvaging your relationship, the hurts and resentments need resolution. Ignoring them sets you up for future problems.
Rather than carrying a grudge, consider taking steps that help you let go of what happened. In the video “Forgiveness: Stop the Pain, Tear down the Walls and Remove the Roadblocks” I share with you ways of letting go and lessening the effects of those stains on your brain.
You can choose another way than carrying the burden that came with the hurt. That baggage will go with you into all your future relationships. Taking care of it now will help free you up.
Click and download your copy today. It can change the direction of your thinking and emotions.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
