In dealing with the cheater, you may find yourself tangled up in a ‘conspiracy of secrecy’. This occurs when the cheater has you holding onto the secrets surrounding the affair. Knowing the secrets may leave you feeling like a fly caught in a spider’s web. Those feelings are accurate. You are caught in a web. You are in the cheaters ‘secret world’. By continuing to keep the secret, you may be allowing the affair to continue. The longer the secrecy keeps up, the stronger the web of conspiracy becomes.
I have seen some webs bolstered by the cheater’s job or position in society. They may claim that they have a ‘reputation’ that prevents you from telling their secrets. They may claim that with the job they have, exposing the secrets would cause them to lose their job, ruin them and ruin you. I have seen these scenarios occur with government/military jobs that require secrecy and also in the ministry. There are times that it feels like you are being blackmailed, which you are. Being caught in the ‘conspiracy of secrecy’ can turn into a living hell. You may even feel that you are losing your mind, with the double-life that you are having to be a part of.
There are ways of getting out of these webs. Although you feel trapped, there is hope. Over the next few days, I will address ways of escaping the webs of secrecy. Since each situation is unique, you may need to make some personal modifications. In life-threatening conspiracies, there are great risks that will need to be approached with caution.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
6 Responses
Ive been keeping the secret of my wiffes affairs for over 3 years. It has degraded to the point that I.point out evidence or catch her EVERY WORK DAY. They used to work together but he left when I put pressure on them.. they both know I know. They talk about it me and how I handle it. Some distant friends have “caught ” them. But close friends and family do not know. She is an addict. Says she uses it to cope. Says she can’t decide and doesn’t know why she goes back and forth. We spend almost 15-18 hours a day together and 24 hours on weekends. I can’t bring up discussions about our relationship, her indiscretions love,respect, or any of this without immediate denial and /or hostility. Proof or knowledge of her activities immediately shuts her down after a quick denial. No matter what I say,in any tone, she asks why I’m starting a fight…. even when I compliment her, its not accepted in a loving kind manner. No remorse, no intent to seek help. Just a desire to continue to attempt to have as much fun with me and family while continuing addiction … note that she is ( we are) professional,non drinkers, etc. Both of our parents living and happily married for over 50 years.. etc…. this is not some strange set of coincidences.. it is an addiction that she has that is is to have relations with married men and to acquire their love or as she pus it ((acceptance for who she is without change) .. I need an intervention. I am strong enough to help or at least be here for with her. But with the narcissistic attitude…she has it all.. me family, other men who are willing to keep secrets because they also have marriages /careers…. my wife is also extremely attractive…naturally. no make up..40 etc… she now realizes that she can get men without any problem ..she used to think something was wrong with her (i.e. the addiction) and didn’t believe she was good enough. She is wonderful except for this problem. I need her to hit bottom and realize she needs help or I have to leave this narcissistic relationship. Time for exposure to her large family?
itsbeen so long,
Just in reading your response, my heart is burdened with heaviness. I can only imagine the tremendous heartache that you deal with on a daily basis. You definitely need to intervene in order to interrupt the cycle of addiction that is going on. The situation has spun out of control. From what you write, it sounds like she has developed a double-mindedness in response to her actions. She may be trying to compartmentalize that part of her life from her relationship with you. This action is a vivid illustration of what is going on in her heart and her head. Her avoidance of discussing what she is doing may be indicative of her still having a conscience, which gives me some hope in the midst of your tough situation.
Thanks
If I can get the nerve, I’m going to go with full exposure. Her family friends.work
His wife etc….. Should have done that years ago….
I can’t imagine what is about to happen. But ill get some closure one way or another
.
Thanks Jeff.
itsbeen so long,
Exposure will bring the secret out into the open. Once in the open, it can be discussed and dealt with. There are many fears to overcome in exposing the affair, yet once the power of the ‘secret’ is broken, you will have more options. The secret is what gives a great deal of power to the affair, and to any addiction. When it is secret, it has power. Once exposed, it can be dealt with for what it is, as ugly as that may be.
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Thanks for your time,Tammy
I am happy that you found the article helpful.