An inquiring reader asked whether marriages fail after trying the swinger lifestyle. Since I haven’t seen any ‘official’ numbers on this topic, my first answer is “I don’t know”.
What I can address are the situations I’ve encountered in my counseling of those whose marriage fell apart after swinging. Those I’ve worked with are devastated at that point.
In many cases, the devastated spouse really loved who they married. The bonding was intense. They also wanted to please their spouse. When their marriage fell apart, they felt a sense of failing to make their spouse happy.
Over time they realize the danger of making their spouse happy rather than themselves. They felt terrible about how far they were willing to go and the sense of desperation they experienced. Their own neediness left them feeling like things were their fault.
Since swinging is a package deal, it wasn’t just about sleeping with other men and women. There were the photos and websites where they were ‘on display’ to the world.
Like the weekly specials at the grocery stores, ads are placed and pictures posted to the world. Who knows who or how many friends and family members saw them on those sites.
Since everything on the internet stays around, they have a constant reminder of what they did that’s only a few clicks away. Those so-called ‘private’ photos weren’t so private after all.
Then there are the memories that they try avoiding. It’s hard putting some things out of your mind.
There was the alienation of them from their families. They found themselves feeling out of place with their former swinging ‘friends’. They wondered who they could share their struggles with.
Not everyone can understand what they’ve been through or look at them without thinking they see them as ‘damaged goods’ or ‘expecting a sample of swinging’.
Such struggles would be hard for any marriage. Whether or not swinging caused the problems or swinging was used as a solution to their marriage issues remains a chicken or the egg type of question.
What is clear is that they’re hurting and live in a world that few people understand. If you’ve been through such an experience, you’ll want to consider the video on “Overcoming Relationship Trauma for Swingers”, which deals with some of these concerns.
There are ways of healing many of the hurts you’ve experienced rather than running from them or diving deeper into them.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
