One of the issues that shows up again and again with those recovering from infidelity is handling lies. In many cases, lies are used in covering up other lies.
If you trust the articles in popular media, you’ll be led to believe that most couples lie to each other and that lies are a part of life that you just have to accept. If you believe what is being promoted, it leaves you thinking that all members of your spouse’s gender lie.
When I consider this response to the problems of lies within marriage, I see it as more condoning of lies than it is of providing real solutions. In my mind, the solution to the problem of lies is that many of you have tolerated bad consciences for so long, you think that’s the way life’s supposed to be.
Society as a whole no longer seeks having a clear conscience. Instead, the emphasis is on ‘being nice’, ‘accepting’ or ‘tolerant‘.
This emphasis creates problems that puts you on a slippery slope. You want to accept the person and think that part of accepting them includes accepting their lies. I challenge that way of thinking.
You can accept a person without accepting their lies. You can make having a clear conscience an achievable goal in your life and your marriage.
When you’re honest, especially regarding affairs, it upsets people. It requires things like wording things tactfully, having a good attitude and often being misunderstood. Honesty doesn’t mean you have to be offensive or obnoxious.
If you like being accepted and liked, seeking a clear conscience poses challenges. It’s tempting compromising in order to be liked. You start saying and doing what other want, rather than being honest, tactful and meek.
At the other extreme is taking offense at actions, words and attitudes and reacting to them. In taking offense, the temptation is to attack those who offended you.
You may honestly be offended, yet how you handle it is what makes a difference. What the cheater did offends you. How you handle their lying and wrong actions is an important part of infidelity recovery.
Your reactions to your spouse are a major concern. You don’t need to accept their lies, yet your spouse needs your acceptance of them.
There are ways of being honest without attacking them and without condoning lying. Recovering from the affair means that changes are needed in how the two of you deal with each other.
It’s much easier clearing the air between the two of you with clear consciences. Achieving it is challenging, but worth it.
So I view the massive problem with lying going back to so many not knowing how to have a clear conscience or seeking after one. In my videos, I make reference to the importance of being honest with yourself. This is part of gaining a clear conscience.
Another part of gaining a clear conscience is forgiving rather than seeking revenge. You can forgive the cheater without having to condone what they’ve done and said.
If you think that forgiving means that you have to approve what they did, you’re making a dangerous assumption that will create roadblocks in your recovery.
In my video on forgiveness “Forgiveness: Stop the Pain, Tear down the Walls and Remove the Roadblocks” you’ll find directions on how to forgive the lying and the affair without condoning it.
Order your copy today and start making changes.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
