Several years ago, my son rescued and adopted a new puppy. The puppy, named Semo, has brought many changes to our home. I recall the early days of potty training, there was a continued string of mishaps. I hear and say “He did it again!” more times than I’d like.
On hearing that phrase, my mind immediately starts wondering “How bad is the damage?” There are times I want to get angry, thinking that some harsh words will suddenly make a four-month-old puppy change his ways. I get flustered when my usual approaches and methods don’t work with him.
When my ways get frustrated, it tells me that I need to change what I’m doing.
Cheaters are not puppies, yet some of the lessons learned to apply to them. I didn’t expect the puppy to do his potty training in one session. You’re not going to change your spouse’s mind in one session either. I have to remind myself that one-shot changes in behavior are rare.
The puppy’s behavior needs consistency and attentiveness. I am constantly reminded that gentle firmness makes a difference. He doesn’t need smiles and encouraging words all the time. There are times he needs to hear a firm disapproving voice. The boundaries are clear and consistent.
Anytime I compromise on consistency, it leads to further problems.
In dealing with your spouse, consider if your boundaries are consistent. If you give them all stick and no carrot or even chance of a carrot, they’ll get discouraged. If you give them all carrot without any firmness or boundaries, it only encourages more of their self-centeredness.
Time and experience let me know how to shift between being firm to be encouraging. Having that kind of flexibility makes all the difference. Switching between carrot and stick is not an easy skill to learn. It takes time, effort, and patience.
My son’s puppy taught me that relationships take time and it takes commitment to change behavior. It doesn’t happen overnight, but the consistency of gentle firmness will pay off in the end. Semo used to be a destructive force in our home; now he is an integral part of our family. If a puppy can learn how to adjust his behavior with consistent guidance, so could your cheating spouse.
In my video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions“, I provide you with ways of turning your communication and social skills around. You need to know how to talk to each other in ways that reach them. The video guides you in making connection and handling those frustrating times of “He did it again”.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
