Today strikes me as a good question and answer type of day. Periodically the question comes up, “How long does recovery from an affair take?” I know that you want a clear, short-answer. The clear, short-answer is ‘about two years’.
If you’re like many couples, there are things you can do that drag it out even longer, like not ending the affair, or not forgiving, or holding a grudge or getting stuck in ‘Affair Trauma’ or having an ‘Affair Relapse’. Each of these lengthens the time of your recovery.
It takes time for your emotions to heal. It takes time for the two of you to learn how to love, how to talk and how to fight while still staying in relationship.
It’s not a matter of just forgiving and getting on with life. You’ve got to learn new ways of doing things. You’ve got to learn ways of letting go of what happened.
This time frame considers recovery for both of you, not just one party. Although the recovery itself takes that long, the scars will still be sensitive for years. Those scars serve a dual purpose. They are a reminder of what happened, along with being where the two of you bonded together again.
The couples who answered the Affair Recovery Survey indicated that on average, it was at least six months after the affair before they sought counseling. I’ll go over more about what the survey revealed in a future letter. This will at least give you some reference points and ‘averages’.
You may also be one of those who has replaced ‘trust’ with ‘control’ and drag recovery out even longer. When the two of you start controlling each other, your marriage relationship turns into a conflict filled with desperation.
There are also situations where the affair never ended completely. The only prolongs the recovery and pain that goes with it. It also drains whatever trust was left.
If you are one of those who’s still paralyzed by pain or even worse, frozen in depression, then you’ll want the “Getting Past Affair Trauma” video which addresses this issue and how to go about getting past it.
The longer you drag out recovery, the more painful it will be.
Best Regards,
Jeff
4 Responses
I was thinking about this today
It crosses my mind at least once every day
I rise …read the Word….do research in the scriptures…. learning a lot …so I am making use of the time I have had since my husband left our home to live the “private life” he said he “always wanted”
That is how deception works in the hardened heart and willfully refusing to. Econe informed by study of the scriptures themselves to learn what is true and how to sustain and keep the vows they have made before many witnesses and God Almighty
Lies unchallenged by the word of God and the way God has provided wisdom as to how to live life without useing others and abusing trust
My husband and I both confessed our faith in Jesus Christ as Saviour but he was lacking true interest in becoming informed of what that meant and what he might gain by seeking to allow the Word to inform and instruct him of the great privieldge becoming saved offers
His flesh became more and more persuaded he was entitled to do whatever he wanted and to hide a separate life while continuing to deceive me…our children and everyone else
This may have seemed to him that he was not harming us because we didn’t know what he was doing and he led us to believe he was working so hard that he was not able to engage with us and be present to participate in being actively involved with us
He did make sure he showed up for special events and took a week vacation with us ….but he made sure we thought that was all the free time he could spare so we were not to complain since that might seem whiny and selfish since he was “working ” so hard
It turns out he was taking time from his office …when those long hours caused us to feel sorry for him!
We sent him off on trips and golf because he worked so hard we reasoned he needed that time for his health
What this life long deception has resulted in his adult daughters not hoping to be married and are approaching the shorter time to be able to meet …vet…and hope to have children.
How can anyone be trusted when a man who claimed to love them and me has been capable of such deliberate destruction of the very hope of trusting anyone
We moved so frequently for his career that all connections are long gone ….even family connections have become disconnected
Being in a new state and then discovering the infidelity and his other FAMILY…rendered us isolated
I am outgoing and gregarious and love to reach out to people and encourage them but the prospect of allowing anyone to get close for many reasons
I am still married and will remain so
One problem that has come about is that we have no means to hire someone to do handy man work that a husband could and should do
Finds for that kind of maintenance work is not available
He does pay the house payment …insurances and such which I am grateful for
But there is a limited income ….a good allowance
The house is what will be our daughters one day so I have sought him to continue to take care of that but it has many structure needs that he doesn’t have th money for due to his support of the children from adultery and his determined to pay tuition at private school for them
He also set himself up in a nice apartment condo and got a Great Dane
I don’t know if he has women …at one point we were driving through town and were shocked to see him with a woman …not the OW he had the children with
After asking him to account for that since at that time he was supposedly just trying to work things out for himself
Then he confessed he had been dating that woman for months! And that she thought he was divorced!
This is so foreign to the person I knew and my children knew all their lives
He Wa a “model” icon of trust and integrity
So if that man could do this WHO can my children ever trust
He was the most complete image of a caring compassionate person …always concerned with protecting people in his office who were being treated unfairly or victimized!
I asked him to inform us as to what we should do if he suddenly becomes ill and cannot work or support us
I am long past employment
My daughters have been sheltered and have been trained to be godly homemakers not equipped to work outside the home and frankly are now elder care for me
Not to be morbid but I don’t think he has any idea of how his choices have effected us not just initially but now going forward
Two beautiful young women…intelligent …talented…godly ….virtuous …they have not only waited for the Lords provision of a godly husband and have not gone the dating route
Having moved here on the brink of becoming “launched” my husband’s ongoing demonstration of his capability to lie…cheat and justify it has caused pain. And loss of them having hope for bein married and having a family
They don’t mention this or line away or complain but I do think that many have no idea or want to know the massive losses a “good father” who is false can do in long term damages
My concern for my daughters is also how they will be missing extended support that is usual for families and women who have children as well as husband
The woman willing to have her adultery and children while knowing me and our children and my husband’s unwillingness to leave me but his ardent persuit of that woman and her pursuit first of him has left carnage in their path that is unseen and in acknowledged by a culture hardened against all that is godly and moral
The indoctrination of Humanism and the ardent anti christ anti biblical k kwmexge has rendered our culture in the state of chaos and confusion we observe
The Word of God does offer hope and wisdom not to be denied
I am married and the void of my husband’s abandonment here is not going to be filled by another man
Without ability to hire help a lot of our very nice home is going unrepaired
The facade of how he is “caring ” for us offers him confort that he is “at least” paying some bills
There is no justification but many men who do spend a lot of “their” money to pay bills think it is all they need to do
No wonder they aren’t content with the wife and family they have if they determine they don’t need to spend time and effort to maintain their affection for their own wife
They become seduced with the world which surrounds their every day work
They become infatuated by the fantasy driven society that wants to serve their ideas fed by media and loose moraled companions in the work place
I worked in the music industry and have seen and heard it all when it comes to the vile arguments of those who have no idea how lust drives their thoughts …down an empty road of day dreams leading to destruction
Is he happy?
He has been reminded he is married and of the various losses his choices have brought about. It even just to the family he SAYS he loves but in luring women into relationships with lies that he is free to do so!
That too causes his daughters to realize the way a guy who appears to be on there level and clean cut …would be untrustworthy
“Love does no ill to his neighbor ”
That verse is pretty clear to me
Zaza,
Thank you for sharing that. One of the dangers in modern society is the whole idea of “It’s my life and I’ll do what I want”. This mindset often takes on different verses, but the chorus is the same theme of selfishness. I’m not sure if the churches no longer teach couples about what it means to be united, or if its a cultural or humanistic thing for each spouse to have their own thing.
It seems that many people really don’t know how to love anymore. They know how to have sex, but they don’t know how to love. They go through the motions, yet don’t really know what love is.
What I do know is that these ideas of selfishness are ruining many marriages. Truths known in previous generations are unknown now. Selfishness ruins the best of marriages.
Truths about why boundaries are PROTECTIVE have been lost….indoctrinated out of the culture in government school cirriculums and parents leaving the raising and training of children in the control of schools
The pulpit has long ago departed from instructing based upon scripture and rightly dividing only desiring to keep their “place” a lot like the Pharisees who feared the Romans would “take away their place” if they failed to control the Jews in their jurisdiction they were entrusted with when Jerusalem was taken by Rome
God has put boundaries in creation for protection and to demonstrate truths
Order is also His Creation so that man might know what is best to do first in time and in his relationships
Social Justice denies Godly order and boundaries
Even our bodies cannot survive without internal order and the boundaries of tissue to determine organs which have their “jurisdiction” and defined function
The way God uses the analogy of how the body demonstrates how the Body of Christ and the Lord Jesus Christ as head are seen in the form and function of marriage is one illustration
Civil governments same thing….borders and sovereignty define the jurisdiction of nations and mutinied of nations provide protection from a world dictator
The devil has worked since Genesis to usurp the order of God and the setting forth of jurisdictions
The identity of a person is first framed by the identity of gender and family order ….each has its purpose and function to glorify the Lord when following the God designed order in jurisdiction
The change of identity from lost fleshly perso. To an new creation in Christ Jesus sets forth a new jurisdiction and responsibility and priveledge….
Equal but different and each a member in particular
Even dispensations differ over the arc of the Bible ..each which the Lord interacts and relates in Distinctive ways
Rightly dividing the Word of Truth thus way dispolls confusion when it is stiudied rightly .!
Lawlessness ignores godly order and design to the destruction of individuals and natione
The anti Christ will thrive when boundaries and order breaks out