If dealing with cheating was not bad enough, when you are a spouse with a disability, the situation is more painful. It is as if you have double-whammy. The disappointment of your body not doing what you want it to do, and then your spouse does not do what they are supposed to do. The double dose of disappointment, and rejection is lonely and painful. The cheating by your spouse makes everything worse.
The cheating spouse justifies them-self with excuses like “I DESERVE some happiness” or “I am human” or something else. Yes, they are human, but why do they use that excuse to act like an animal? Why do they use that excuse to treat you with disrespect? Saying they deserve to rut around like some wild animal and then have the audacity to call it ‘human’. It is an insult, since humans are supposed to rise above animal instincts. Humans are supposed to care for their own kind rather than their own selfish interests.
The cheaters quickly forget their marriage vows to you about “in sickness and in health”. They immerse themselves in self-pity. When they have immersed themselves in the self-pity long enough, they redeem the self-pity for a “Get out of jail (marriage responsibilities) free card” which they use to justify their sexual binges.
So what can be done about it?
1. Have frank discussions about your needs and their needs. In that discussion, it will be important to explore not only what the needs are but also what each believes will satisfy those needs.
2. Discuss options of meeting those needs or redirecting the desires. It is important to be open minded and think outside of the box. (Note: I am not asking you to compromise your values. With the change in functioning, changes also have to be made in terms of expectations, and your definition of intimacy. Comparing yourself to television or pop culture will lead to unrealistic expectations. Be willing to allow a different kind of intimacy to develop. During the time of the romantic poets and the Victorian age, many couples were very close emotionally despite limitations. Since they were not bound by modern expectations, they developed a closeness that 21st century folks do not understand)
3. Recognize the unique vulnerabilities that each of you has and how each of you can deal with temptations.
4. Listen to your spouse. Make an effort to understand them, what they think, what they feel, what they struggle with.
These will get you started on making changes.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
PS-If you missed the free tele-seminar “How to Cope with a Cheating Spouse” , a second one will be help on Wednesday August 25 at 7:00pm CDT. Here is the link to register for that session. http://tinyurl.com/2cuo7uh
