There are times when I find myself having to read something two of three times in order to find out what the author is really saying. This is especially true when encountering experts with large amounts of psychobabble.
I was reminded of this on reading an article promoting a ten year old study and book packaged as the “The Truth About Cheating“. When anyone presents their material as ‘the Truth’, I already have questions.
The author claims that “47% of his male clients who have cheated did so because of a lack of emotional intimacy with their partner.”
On first glance, he identifies the lack of emotional intimacy as a driver for affairs. I wonder what he means by ’emotional intimacy?’
In my mind the ‘lack of emotional intimacy’ is the result of choices made earlier in the marriage. It’s also a way of saying needs are being met and he doesn’t want to blame anyone.
This approach focuses on symptoms rather than causes. I wonder if he considered that how hard it is developing emotional intimacy with someone who’s narcissistic or self-focused?
When so many ‘experts’ proclaim, ‘you need to love yourself”, there’s plenty of gasoline being put on the narcissistic fire raging inside of them.
Telling a narcissist or love addict that they need MORE love is asking for trouble. No matter how much you love them, it’s never enough for them.
When your spouse is wrapped up in porn, it limits your ability to make any kind of emotional connection, let alone develop any kind of healthy intimacy. They are not emotionally available to connect with you.
When your spouse is a sex addict, there is no emotional connection other than joining them for one of their rides. In the recovery community there is a saying “Addicts don’t have relationships, they take hostages”.
Such statements as ‘you need to love yourself’ in the hands of the addict or narcissist turn into weapons putting you on a guilt trip about ‘not being a good spouse’ rather than examining the values and poor choices being made by the cheater.
The lack of emotional intimacy is the product of something that happened earlier, it’s an effect rather than the cause of the affair. Sure, the intimacy will need to be addressed, yet doing it at the wrong time can mess up your recovery from the affair.
There are things that need to be addressed, doing them in the right order is important for recovery. Doing them in the wrong order leads to perpetual problems.
When you are going through recovery you can find support within the community at Restored Lifestyle along with access to videos and articles designed for helping you through affair recovery. You can also get to the root issues rather than being tripped up by the effects thinking that they are the cause of what happened.
Best Regards,
Jeff
