Cheaters often encounter a paradox in the aftermath of an affair. That paradox consists of having to deal with
the pain caused by their affair. Although you know about the pain they brought into your life, the cheater may seem oblivious to it.
One of the reasons they are either oblivious to it or have trouble facing it is “the paradox of cheaters”. This paradox can best be summed up with the question, “How can something that feels so good bring so much pain?” They are literally in a mental and emotional quandary.
On one hand, the affair brought some good feelings, renewed hope and enthusiasm into their life. They may have even felt like a new man or woman. It gave them the motivation to improve themselves. They felt good about themselves once again. In some cases, they feel like themselves in a way they have not for years.
When all the enthusiasm and passion of the affair is brought into contact with the pain the affair brought into their marriage, it poses some problems. They can not mentally and emotionally grasp how the two emotional experiences can exist in the same universe. How can pleasure and pain both co-exist in the same relationship. The two mutually exclusive worlds at times seem to cancel each other out.
When the cheater is faced with the co-existence of both, it presents a paradox which “does not compute.” The more intense the emotions, the more difficulty in accepting the existence of both emotional extremes. They may zone out or look like a deer caught in the headlights when you bring this up to them.
When the cheater’s mind is forced to face this paradox, they often have trouble with it. You may see them have trouble thinking or stumbling as they begin dealing with it. The easy way out is to see one as “good” and the other as “bad”. This good/bad split works for a little while, but they may alternate back and forth between which one is good and which one is bad. Since the cheater is accustomed to giving preference to emotional realities rather than factual realities, the good and bad can easily switch places in their mind and heart.
It would be better if they used a right/wrong split instead. When you have moral standard, you can make sense out of the situation. Without a moral standard, the cheater will flounder over what is good and what is bad.
The “Cheater’s paradox” is a real dilemma that requires real answers. You will have to come up with answers for how something that made them feel so good could at the same time bring so much pain. If you have a hard time grasping the paradox, imagine the struggle the cheater goes through in their experience of the paradox.
