At times, threats are an integral part of affairs. You find them being used by the cheater or even by yourself in dealing with the cheater.
Threats can be used as a way of forcing people in keeping secrets or taking a particular course of action. They are either in the form of “Do not _________ or I will punish you” or its close cousin, “If you ____________, I will punish you”.
The blank is filled in with the behavior being considered. Either way, threats are used in forcing the target into a particular course of behavior.
The threat covers a spectrum from a mild form of punishment to death threats. Typically the more the potential damage, the greater the threat.
With affairs, emotions are aroused and passion runs high, so the threats are pretty extreme and personal in nature.
Threats work at getting people doing the desired behavior. Although the threats give you the desired outcome, the motivation behind the behavior is based on fear rather than love or conviction.
Threats are used in overpowering or counteracting conviction. The use of threats short circuits natural motivations.
By short circuiting the natural processes, you change the way the target behaves. You change their motivations. They become more of a puppet than a person, and the person making the threats becomes more feared than loved.
There may be times that you considered using threats in obtaining what you want. Consider the long term impact of using threats.
Threats change your relationship. It changes the whole power structure and motivations behind what people do.
If you use threats thinking that your relationship will ‘return to normal’, you are fooling yourself. It will return to a normal, but it will be a ‘new normal’.
There will be a new baseline behavior for your marriage relationship. Much like the signs “Swim at your own risk”, threats should come with a similar warning “Threaten at your own risk!”
If you want your spouse to do what they do out of love and devotion, then you need to re-think using threats.
In the “Affair Recovery Workshop“, I show you ways of improving communication and getting your spouse to open up WITHOUT using threats. The workshop is downloadable with your order.
Threats damage trust. During affair recovery both of you need trust and safety rather than living in fear and retaliation.
In turning your relationship around, you need new ways of doing things that enhance your relationship rather than damage it.
When people act in fear, they make poor choices. Fear is ineffective as a long term motivator. Fear also turns into revenge or passive aggressive attacks. Those kind of actions are best avoided.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
And, when you threaten out of anger it fuels the other person’s opinion – the “strayer” that you are acting irrational.
John,
Thanks for your comment. You are correct. When you threaten them in anger, they just see the anger and react to it rather than hear the concern or hurt behind it. Threats often cloud the message that you hope to communicate to them. Threats often have more consequences than benefits.