Lies are talked about as if they are a dark veil that covers and hides things. The cheater uses lies in creating a world you and they can live with. That world is a plastic, artificial fantasy which often falls apart under stress.
Piercing the Lies <<– listen to the audio here
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah welcoming you to Affair Recovery Radio. I’m glad that you’re with me today.
The topic we’re going to be dealing with is one that applies to just about every affair situation, and that is “Piercing the lies“. Lies and affairs go together. It’s almost like one always follows the other. The lies are talked about as if they were a dark veil that covers and hides things.
“The cheater uses lies to create a world they can ‘do what they want in”
The cheater uses lies to create a world that they can do ‘what they want’ in, and keep you from it. And they believe that they can live in this world. And this world is a plastic artificial fantasy which often falls apart when things become stressed.
The thing is, the cheater wants you to believe that this world that they have created in their head is real. Some of you may want to believe it’s real, as well.
Besides lies going with affairs, another aspect is denial. Many times we so much want to deny what’s going on. It’s easier to believe the lie than to tell yourself the truth. You’re going to have to resist that temptation during this time.
When the artificial world surrounds you you’ll want to know how can I go about getting through this, how can I pierce through the lies, how can I cut my way through this. And that’s what we’re going to be presenting today.
The Sniff Test
The solution I want to present, I call the SNF (Sniff) test. The SNF is an acronym that I’ve put together that stands for Senses and Feelings.
Many times when they tell you things you want to say does this thing that they tell you pass the SNF test. Is there something about it that tells your senses that this is not quite right?
That’s what I mean by the SNF (Sniff) test. It doesn’t smell right.
I’m breaking this down.
1. What do your senses and your gut tell you? Many times with marriages where affairs have happened it’s likely that you have, somewhere along the way, chosen to not listen to your gut. Had you listened to your gut you probably would have avoided a lot of problems.
In this case, when they’re telling you lies, you want to go back to what is your gut telling you. This is important because there are portions of the nervous system that act as an early warning system to threats and deception, and a big part of your nervous system is contained there in your gut. In those reactions in your gut. It’s not just indigestion. It could very well be that that part of your nervous system is trying to tell you something, if only you would listen.
That’s why first thing I want you to pay attention. “What do your senses and gut tell you?”
2. Is it, and it in this case is the lie, is it too clean, too logical, or too convenient? I say this because life is messy and clumsy. Any time someone gives you answers that are too clean, too logical, too convenient, it’s the stuff that fantasies are made of, as well as lies. Because things don’t usually tie up all the loose ends so conveniently as the lie does.
If you think about lies, the person has been rehearsing and going over what they’re going to tell you, in their head, repeatedly for awhile in order to come up with the perfect lie.
A good lie is manufactured. It’s something that has been processed. If they tell you the truth you’re going to see this unprocessed, unfiltered, rough around the edges type of response. Whereas lies are manufactures, pure and simple.
3. Does it fit their pattern? I mention this because people tend to follow patterns. When what they tell you does not fit their pattern, it’s likely a lie.
If you’ve got a spouse that follows a particular routine every day off of work, and then all of a sudden they tell you a story where they wildly deviate from it, maybe something did happen, but it doesn’t fit the pattern. So you want to look at the pattern, because the patterns can give you some clues.
You follow these three things, these three components of the SNF test, it will help you pierce through many of the lies. I know this is your spouse, you want to believe them, yet when an affair’s going on you’re going to have to get past that.
You’re going to need to find a way to do it, and that’s why I went ahead and put together the SNF test.
These things, you can put it into place right now and start practice right away. I encourage you to do so, because it will give you a tool to be able to get through a lot of the lies that they will be telling you.
If your marriage has been damaged by lies, you can start repairing that damage. The video, “How Can I Trust You Again?” guides you in rebuilding the trust that has been damaged.
Best Regards,
Jeff
